Lumpkin's Darkest Days

Chapter Two

I had adopted the role of the Masticator. And this is where my dark story unravels. I will never take up the role of the Masticator ever again. Not after that day.

It was a warm June night and I was sitting on a park bench, crying because my favourite pillow burned in a house fire. My ankles were fully exposed and some grandma kept looking at me odd so I socked her in the face. As I was saying, I was on a park bench.

"Eeyup!" Said a warm, honey-like tic tac voice. It was Callum from Callum's corner! My one true high school sweetheart! I was still crying however, so I got up and spanked my buttock sadly. Still spanking my buttock, I smiled at the wonderful tic tac in front of me.

"What has brought you here, Sir Tic Tac Cadillac baby got back thumbtack Blu Tac dickhead cunt?" I asked sweetly, brushing his tic tac head lovingly.

"You father is dead!" He announced. I looked at him in absolute confusion.

"You wot m8? Course my dads fuckin dead I watched him die you Yankee dankee doodle piece of shite," I whispered lovingly under my breath.

"No, I am your daddy man!" A man stepped out from behind Callum, revealing himself to be...

Arnold Schwarzenegger. I gasped dramatically and fell to my knees, throwing my extra long six foot arms around Arnold's thicc™️ waist. "FaAthER?"

"It is I... Now get to the chopper!" He yeeted me over to a helicopter that appeared out of fucking nowhere and I climbed in, yonting my now normal length arms into the fridge it had for some reason. I pulled out an Indian snacc™️ and monched through that motherfucker like a bitch.

The helicopter flew me through the air and landed on top of a big ass castle where I could see a girl in a shower. It was a strange sight but as I masticated my Indian snacc™️, a man called Snap jumped up into the chopper next to me. The girl jumped backwards and threw a baguette at me. Playing my game I see. How dare she use such brutal tactics for something so small such as masticating. I saw her wrap herself in a Gerard Way towel and I skedaddled, yeeting away from the scene of the crime as I heard the same girl shout 'Lumpkin!' loudly.

And that is how the Masticator was no more.

*****

As I skrted away, I saw many beautiful sights. Such as Jimmy Neutron and Willy Wonka playing chess in a lake, whilst mermen shouted 'sodium chloride' over and over again. I visited the local church to repent my sins but for some reason, I couldn't stop spanking my buttock in front of the rows of people. They weren't impressed but I think it was because my ankles were exposed. And as I walked up to the lovely priest, he took off his cloak, revealing Ziggy from Lazy Town.

"What is thou's problem, young child?" He asked, staring deep into my soul and penetrating the dark recesses of my heart.

"I hath masticated too hard, and now my masticating hath led me down a dark dark path." I couldn't stop spanking my buttock.

"I see. I can also see that the Curse of the Buttock Spank had begun to overtake you. Soon the Bungalow will kick in. You see, there a multiple ways you can contract the Bungalow, one of which is through Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson. The other is how you have contracted it: Through too much buttock spanking. I suggest you visit the Holy One." He hmmmmed for quite some time (half an hour) and then I gathered the courage to respond.

"I shall. But father, please tell me who it is. Who is this Holy One?"

"We do not speak his name on this Christian Server, for it will be taking thy lord's name in vain."

"VOLKEMOATE?"

"No you dumb fucking cunt twat dickhead. Just go you're bringing the average iq of my rick and morty fan club down."