Poisoned Love

Chapter Five

Oh how I long for sleep. It's been a stranger to me since I got clean. Josh doesn't sleep too good either so he stays with me, keeping me company. It's been two weeks sinc e I last injected and my withdrawal symptoms are a little easier to deal with. I still throw up the odd time but I'm able to get to the bathroom now instead of using the bucket.

I'm up walking about and watching tv with Josh too. I'm slowly becoming human again. He hasn't left my side the whole time I've been here and we even had to have Matt, Mike and Ian come over to us since Josh refused to leave to go meet them.

I really want to tell him my name. I'm Jess. I'm not Michelle. I want to scream it from the rooftops but it'll uncover too many questions, too many stories, that I'm unable to talk about right now.

"Want to come shopping?" Josh asks, looking over at me with his piercing bright blue eyes.

Shopping. Outside. People. I can't. I'll be seen. "Michelle? Are you ok?" He's staring at me now, looking at me like he did something wrong.

"I can't," I slur, shaking my head vigorously from side to side.

"What if I'm seen. I can't go back there. You don't know what it's like!" He moved over so he's sitting right beside me.

"Talk to me Michelle. Please." He takes hold of my hand as I take a deep breath. Here goes.

"My... My name. It's not Michelle." I stop, checking his reaction.

"Ok, what is your name?" He's calm. He's keeping me calm.

"Jessica. Jess. I... I was made change it." I'm nervous.

He hugs me. "Ok Jess. New name, new life, new clothes. Let's go!" He stands, holding his hand out to me.

I reluctantly take it and before I can refuse we are out the door. Out into the world.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know my own style. It's frustrating. Josh holds up some sparkling skinny jeans. "These would look awesome on you." He's grinning, knowing they're more his style.

I giggle. "Am I amusing you miss... Miss... Miss Jess." I nod.

Before I can think, my mouth takes over. "It's Miss Karmen to your Mr Ramsay." Oh shit!

He knows my name. My full, real name. I turn away and he notices. "How about these then, Jess." He's holding up bright red chinos and trying to distract me from my thoughts.

I can't control myself. I burst out laughing. "Come on laughy pants, next shop!" He grabs my hand and we leave.

Back at the apartment, I start putting my new clothes away. Some new jeans, shirts and shoes. Success. Shopping was fun and with all the laughing, my worries had melted away.

From my bedroom I hear Josh shouting and calling me. "Jess, Jess come here. Quick." With my heart racing I run to him.

"What? Is everything ok? What's wrong?" I'm frantic and talking at a really fast pace.

"Nothing's wrong. Here sit." He taps the sofa, signaling for me to sit beside him.

"There's an advert. A missing persons advert." He's pointing at the laptop screen on his lap.

"That's you. You and your parents. I found them Jess. I found your family." He's happy. Excited.

Tears are building in my eyes. I dash out of the room and I slam the door behind me and ensure that its locked. I shouldn't have told him my name.

He leaves me alone and let's me cry for over an hour but eventually he comes knocking. I open the door with tear stained eyes and he hugs me. "I thought you'd be happy." Wiping away my tears, he walks me over to my bed and we sit down. "Open up to me Jess. Please. Let me help you."

I lay down and turn my back to him. He's the only person who's been nice to me and has helped me all this time, I don't want to see pity in his eyes if I were to speak. He lies down behind me and wraps his arms around me. I feel so safe and secure with him. The tears begin to flow again. He doesn't say a word as he holds me, waiting for me to speak.

"It all started when I was 18." I begin to disclose my secret.

"It was my last day of high school and I was walking home alone after my final exams." I pause, thinking about what to say next.

"It's ok," he soothes, hugging me tighter. "A van," I continued. "A van pulled up and a man pulled me inside. That was the last time I seen my family."

"5 years ago?" He gasps and I nod. "Why don't you want to go see them?"

"Marko threatened that he would kill them if I ever ran away. I'd prefer to imagine them alive rather than knowing they're dead. I know that's stupid but it's how I feel." I cry even harder now, unable to stop.

"You're not stupid." He's tells me in a soft, low toned voice as he cuddles into me and strokes my arm lightly.

I must have cried myself to sleep because when I wake it's dark and cold. Josh is asleep, holding me tight. I cover us over with the blanket, being careful not to wake him. I drift off into the deepest sleep I've ever had.

I wake the following morning, refreshed and a little hopeful. Josh is gone and there's a glorious aroma invading my senses. Breakfast.

I find Josh dancing around the kitchen while cooking bacon and eggs. All I can do is laugh as he gets embarrassed when he turns and sees me watching. I join in as he grabs me and spins me across the kitchen. Wow, his smile is amazing when he giggles. I wish every day could be like this.

While eating breakfast Josh randomly turns to me and suggests that every night before I go to sleep I should tell either one thing about me or one thing that happened to me after I was abducted that he doesn't yet know. I reluctantly agree. I had to let someone in and I had to get this off my chest. He was the closest person to me right now. No, he was the only person I had right now, so it may as well be him I open up to.

I had to get comfortable with being outside and being a normal person again, so I began to accompany Josh on Bennie's daily walks. We talk about general every day things as we walk the sea wall at Stanley Park.

A van similar to the one I was abducted in drives past us as we walk back to the apartment and I freeze. "It's ok, you're with me now and you're safe. Nothing bad is going to happen to you while I'm right here!" Josh smiles as he wraps his arm around my shoulder.

I believe him, I trust him and I feel safe with him.