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The bombing in Elysium was weeks ago, but I still hear the screams, I still see the fire, and the blood on Jimin's skin like it was yesterday. I relive it every night. I relive the dream I had in Genkaku. I relive the events of Kage where I witnessed people being eaten by shadows. The boys all notice that my health bar won't completely refill despite the fact that we've been spending all of this time resting, they notice how heavy my eyelids are, and how I flinch whenever someone unexpectedly touches me or makes a loud noise.
Me and Namjoon have separate rooms, but my bed hasn't been slept in since we first left for Kasai. I hear the rain beating against the roof of our house, simulated by Jungkook in hopes to help all of us sleep a little better. I hadn't noticed a difference, but it is nice to listen to when I'm staring at the dimly lit ceiling of Namjoon's room. The pattering of the rain and the soft snores coming from Namjoon make me feel the most at peace. My head rests on his bare chest. His skin is warm and I can hear the rhythmic beat of his heart.
He always tries to stay awake with me, guilty for me not getting much sleep, which has led to many late night talks. I try to convince him to just go to sleep since he usually ends up losing his fight against his exhaustion anyway, but he stays with me for as long as he can tolerate. Whether he's awake and talking to me in soft whispers, or holding me as he sleeps, I'm just content to be next to him.
My eyes burn, and my eyelids beg to close, but my heart is afraid to face the dreams my mind will fabricate. The pure exhaustion I feel is about to finally take over and win, but then I hear the small creak of a door opening. I only see a silhouette through the crack of the door, but I already know who it is.
"Jimin?" I sit up slightly from the bed, my heart rate increasing. I know it's unjustified considering how Jimin is like an angel that had dropped down to earth to bless the residents with happiness and warmth, but my heart and brain tell me to run when I see him. No matter how much I tell myself that he didn't do anything to deserve me avoiding him and giving him a cold shoulder, I can't stop my chest from tightening whenever I see him.
"Can I sleep with you, Noona?"
My eyes soften. I can't tell him no. I pat the empty space beside me, signalling that I accepted his request. He shyly climbs into the bed and quickly wraps himself in the covers, snuggling up to my side.
Any hopes of falling asleep went out the room as soon as Jimin opened the door. It's not his fault that I feel this way. He did nothing to deserve these negative emotions that I feel associated with his name. Every time I hear screams sounding from his room at night, I cover my mouth to muffle my choking sobs. I want to go to him, to comfort him, but all I can hear is the words I dreamt of Jimin speaking to me in Genkaku, "We needed you, Wren, but we all died because you're so helpless." I saw them dead. I couldn't do anything. If I keep leading the boys to bosses thinking we have any chance against them, then my worst nightmares will turn into reality. For Jimin, it almost did, and it's all my fault. I tried playing the part of the hero, but now I only feel like the villain.
I feel the warmth of salty tears streaming down my cheeks. I try to keep my breathing steady so as not to wake either Jimin or Namjoon. I feel Jimin clutch my arm tightly, and I think for a moment that I might've woken him up, but when I look to my side I notice how his face is scrunched into a look of pain, accompanied by his occasional flinching. He's dreaming.
I turn to him and rub his arm, hoping that the action is soothing to him. I start to sing a song my mother used to sing to me, my voice as soft and low as possible.
"Leaves from the vine Falling so slow Like fragile tiny shells Drifting in the foam Little soldier boy Come marching home Brave soldier boy Comes marching home."
Though my voice cracks and tears continue to flow from my eyes, both because of the ache I feel from hearing the song, wishing it was my mother singing it instead, and because of the trauma that will forever leave a scar on Jimin's heart, I continue to sing the song until Jimin's tight grip on my arm loosens and his features relax into one of peace.
Until the sun comes rising over the horizon, I think about all the things I could've done differently. What could I have done to save Jimin from this pain he feels? I know I shouldn't hold myself responsible because if any of the boys shared the guilt I feel I would passionately convince them otherwise and that there was nothing they could've done, so why can't I convince myself the same thing? I want to force all of them to stay here where it's safe while I do all of the dirty work, but I know that they don't follow because I'm forcing them to.
Maybe I need to stop seeing it as them following behind me. Maybe I should see it as them standing with me, side by side. They aren't there just because of me; they're there for the same reasons that I am. They dream of home, their families, and normalcy. I am not the savior that will bring them home; they are their own saviors. I need to be my own savior too. I've been too busy trying to save everyone I forgot about saving myself too. I'll fight by the boy's side until we get out of here or until I meet my end.
Every night I have to remind myself why I'm fighting so hard, I have to fight away the guilt that threatens to eat away at my very soul, otherwise I would not have the strength or will to continue. I have to be strong for my friends, for mama, for every player stuck in this world, and for myself. Even if I don't completely believe my own words of comfort, I'll continue to repeat them until I believe them, or until I escape from this game. I'll repeat them to give myself the strength to continue fighting with my friends.
Brave soldier boys, let's go marching home.
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A/N -
This is such a short chapter rip.
I don't really have much to say except I hope you all have been getting enough rest and are eating well. And also I'm really close to 100 followers, which I can't believe. I don't deserve it, but TYSM ♥️
Update: the song Wren sings to Jimin is from avatar the last air bender. It's such a beautiful song. Iroh sings it for his son who died in the war. It's also in honor of the voice actor of Iroh who died before nearly completing all of his lines for season two of avatar.
