Finding Me

Bloody Nose

This is my tenth bathroom break within the last hour, but since I work at a bookstore and it's Sunday there's hardly any customers. It's getting increasingly harder to breath and I have no more tears left to cry. Damn it Kamiran! Get your shit together! I thought to myself as I walked out of the bathroom.

*earlier that day*

Buzz! Buzz!

My phone went off and a shockwave went down my spine when I looked at the lock screen. A text from Zaad. It was 9:28 AM and I wasn't expecting him to text me at all, let alone this early in the morning. I unlocked my phone and opened the message.

Zaad: Hey I know I asked if we could meet after grad practice but if u have time can we meet today? - 9:27 AM

I got up and made breakfast for my aintee, Khalil, and his son Qaz before I responded. I didn't want to look weak.

Me: Um... I guess. What time u wanna meet - 10:08 AM

I sat my phone down and was about to leave to put my plate in the sink when it buzzed.

Zaad: Around 2 at the park near ur house? - 10:09 AM

Me: Ok - 10:10 AM

I locked my phone, sat it down by my pillow and collapsed on the bed. I wonder why he wants to meet sooner? Maybe he realized what a mistake he made? I wouldn't take him back that easy. I was deep in thought when a little boy equivalent to the tasmanian devil from 'Looney Toons' burst through my door.

"Thanks for making breakfast Kami!" He screamed with his little dimples caving in on either side.

"You're welcome Qaz!" I picked him up and gave him a tight squeeze. He was basically my brother. I remember when I first met him. I was ten and this was the first time Khalil had been home in months. Him and my aunt had a huge argument when she found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Khalil walked through the door with a tiny bundle and a sad expression. I later found out that expression was due to his ex dying shortly after childbirth. I saw baby Qaz's face for the first time and the rest was history.

He jumped up and down on my bed and laughed when I tackled and tickled his stomach.

"Go play in your room now Qaz! I'm tired from making you such a big breakfast!"

"Ok Kami!" He smiled then dashed off.

I spent some time helping my aintee clean the house and Khalil fix his car until 2. I made and ate a sandwich before leaving out and then headed to the park with 'Charcoal Baby' by Blood Orange blasting in my ears. I arrived and sat down on the swing waiting for Zaad.

He pulled up a little later in his black Honda Accord. We used to make out in that car all the time. We even had sex in the backseat once. I saw him switch the car off and open the door.

"Hey Kami." He said as he approached me and took a seat in the adjacent swing. I ignored the fact that he used Kami, old habits were hard to break.

"Hey."

We sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. The tension was brutal.

He turned to face me and I was shocked at what I saw. Zaad Johnson was crying. I have never ever seen him cry. Just seeing that hurt in his eyes made mine sting. But why was he crying? He broke up with me.

"I don't even know exactly what to say." He wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve of one of my favorite hoodies.

I turned my body and face forward so he couldn't see my eyes. "Just start."