a collection of lovely words

lovely words about a lovely boy

as the hallway blurred past my tired eyes, voices wormed their way into my ears. the conversations grew deafening as i saw familiar faces. o.p., j.d., t.e., and p.r. lovely, lovely, p.r. his steps seemed to take hours instead of mere milliseconds. his light brown hair bounced as his lips curled into that damn smile that i have absolutely adored since the first time it was flashed my way. he walked past me, after he was out of sight, life zoomed by again. his bright eyes seemed to linger in my mind. as math dragged by all i could think of was p.r., his lovely lovely eyes, his memorable laugh. the way he bleed like watercolours into the canvas of other people he's know for a while. i think of his skin. his lips. those damn lips. what do they taste of? chapstick and chocolate milk? sugar? he is so damn lovely. the way his lips curl into that damn smile never fails to make me smile. the way he laughs so openly while i cover my face, embarrassed. i hope he trusts me. i trust him. i'm just the new kid. i understand how he feels when the world seems to fight against him. i want him to know i'm on his side of this great war waging inside his head. if i could touch him and silence those voices screaming in his head and make the world disappear. he's so lovely. oh how i wish he noticed me. but he likes thin and beautiful girls, elle, don't you know that? but he's so lovely. the way his eyes brighten a little bit more when he laughs or smiles. i close my eyes and all i see are the various tones of his eyes. then his lips. i imagine my fingers brushing against his soft lips. the way his freckled face softens when he is happy makes me want to cry. when i walk through the hall i hear his distinct voice. his voice rises and falls as he jokes with friends. his laugh echoes through my head as i look down, grip my arm, and rush to science. i feel eyes burning their way through my hair into my brain. hair. lips. skin. oh so freckled and smooth skin. it matches his smooth voice. the voice that melts my brain. i fall apart. he is lovely. absolutely lovely. i feel myself fall. is it to the ground or into your arms? i don't know. i just fall. i hope he falls too. lovely. so lovely. what a lovely boy. lovely boy with lovely, freckles, lovely eyes, and,,,,,, he is just lovely. lovely boy with daring dreams. daring dreams of marines. my safe dreams involve words. stories. stories that people often forget but think of later on. he is good at hiding. hiding feelings. i imagine that his skin was once scarred as mine is. i imagine that his smooth voice was once raspy from choking out sobs and blaming it on being sick, like i am now. his head is at war with his heart. behind his lovely eyes is a mind constantly at war. his lovely eyes are soft and sad. i imagine his lovely eyes once being red and tired from sleepless nights filled with tears. his lovely eyes. him. he is lovely and damn. just wow. his eyes. his lips. his voice. his smile. that damn smile again. uneasy and scared. that smooth laugh, how it moves like butter through the air. lovely boy with lovely features. lovely. lovely. he is so lovely. so so lovely. lovely. his mind is in a constant state if unknowing. whats next? my face reddens as he taps my hand and he gives me a look as if asking if i'm fine. i want to scream no and tell him how fucking lovely he is. i love your beautiful eyes. the way they shift around the room when a question is asked. i love the way you focus your attention on the person who is talking to you. i feel numb. help me feel again. let me feel your warm hands grasping my frozen hands. i want to wash away the frozen feeling in your warmth. i want your warmth to drown me. my mind turns to mush trying to wrap it around how i feel for you. i apologize for ignoring you. i mean for fucks sake, i watched a beautiful girl ask you to homecoming. i watched as that devilish smile that i adore formed and you accepted. in that moment my heart shattered. as i look back our eyes meet and i feel tears form. in my mind i scream of how lovely you are. out loud they only sound like muffled sobs in my room at 3am. thinking of the safest place i know. where keys click and pencils scratch on paper. where our hands can touch. i'm tired of crying over you. come dry my tears please. i yearn for better times but there isn't any in sight. i try to speak to you but words fail to form. your eyes glimmer in the back of my mind and that smile. his laugh. his eyes. him. lovely boy. i hope i don't love you. oh my lovely boy. my heart yearns for you. i don't know. words pluck at my brain like a coroner during an autopsy. these word affect me more than the "i love you"s did before. that simple phrase that bears so much baggage and it hurts. i might love you and it kills me. how? why did you do this? everyone says that i'm a good person and i don't deserve this and i'm sorry. but that doesn't help now does it. my heart reaches out to you but all i get back is a smile. he looked back and smiled at me without hesitation. he didn't stop smiling until he looked away from me. my heart flutters with every word he speaks. his voice brings joy into this dark scary world. he quiets my loud mind. i watch the way his body shifts as he stands in front of the class. his eye catches mine and he starts stuttering. i look away smiling and he finishes flawlessly. this flawed yet flawless lovely boy. you found a way to make me happy again. i didn't think that was possible. congratulations. you won. i found happiness in your eyes and laugh and smile. is this false hope? am i jumping the gun here? possibly. your beautiful heart may finally grant me serenity. let me in please. my heart still wrenches over you saying those 3 words. 'i don't know'. you don't know if you want to go with a monster to homecoming. i wouldn't know either. his tired eyes have a hint of something else in them. sadness? i don't know. broken boy with marine dreams. i still might love you. is that bad? i don't know. perfect is the first word that pops into my head when i think of you. handsome. perfect. lovely. you unknowingly caught me like a fly in a web. i'm sorry. i fucked up. i'm melting into your grip. you caught me. its not like i was running away. i ran right towards you. i feel like you're the one who ran. or we both stood still. then i slowly walked to you. then the wall showed up. a wall that i can't even destroy in my dreams. the dreams where i'm yours and we are happy. where you're finally happy. i will never intentionally hurt you. i love you. i promise. i love you. though you most likely do not love me. i don't know though. homecoming. will you even be there? alone? with someone better than me? with me? i don't know. help me break this wall p.r. i'm begging. i hate this. i don't like the silence that is growing between us. silence can be deadly. lovely boy with lovely hands, lovely lips, lovely eyes, lovely hair, lovely voice, lovely laugh, and lovely smile. lovely boy with a lovely mind and body. i scream out. can you hear me over there? begging for love, help, and happiness. happiness that i am sure depends on you and that damn lovely smile. i'm pounding against this damned wall. do you hear it? do you have your ear pressed against the wall listening to the steady pound of my bloodied fists? do you enjoy the silence? i scream to remove it but the silence remains. it is a nagging and persistent silence. are you trying to break down the wall too? or is it just me? are you safe and healthy, happy to be away from me? ignoring my cries? i feel the hot tears burn ravines into my red cheeks. they form pools on my side of the wall. the ravines grow deeper until they cannot become bigger. all that is left is the sad choked sobs. the sobs slowly grow quieter until my throat is sore. i'm floating in the salty tears that were all caused by you. the tears slowly drain. i hear a small voice. the voice i adore. my lovely boy. thank you. you saved me. i love you and this time i'm not sorry. handsome. lovely. perfect. i drift asleep. when i dream, my hands are in your hair. my fingers lightly trace your skin. smooth and freckled with bumps here and there. lips crash together like waves meeting rocks at high tide. sloppy but purposeful. we melt together and we are peaceful as one. my eyes flash open. you are gone. all happiness drains from my world because i cannot find you. love is gone. light is gone. lovesick. my heart yearns for your love. my heart breaks when you're not here. love-struck. you lovely boy. laughter rings in my ears. a voice oh so calming. when he taps me his fingers feel like fireworks. sparking as he makes contact. do you feel it too or am i a lone witness to this spectacle? i want you more than you know. i dreamed of homecoming. i dreamed that lips crashed and hands intertwined. we were happy. then reality crashed in. reality was ripped pants. wiped away tears. choked and muffled sobs drowned out by lousy music. your eyes were like a raging fire mixed with sadness. "i wish i could forget this night" i should have taken my chance. my mind clouded with regret. regret for what i did rather than didn't. your laugh and smile were things i prayed for that night. i wish your lovely, lovely eyes drifted my way. do you yearn for the fireworks as i do? my hands feel your tell-tale touch. i want to ask you out but i fear rejection. my anxiety rushes through the roof. what a lovely boy. my lovely p.r. but you're not mine. i love yous come out as soft i hate yous. don't take those words seriously please. all i wanted was you. how do you not realize this? the way i look at you is needy and dripping with sugar water. overly sweet and sickening. the words i speak are soaked in honey water. they drip from my throat into your ears. my heart is candy coated when i'm near you. my lips formed those soft words.

now a year later my lips form words to you still none of them are as lovely as these.

forgive me p.r. for i have sinned.

-elle.