After The Kiss

Chapter 1

"If you want me, I'm here..."

She left a while ago but I can't seem to be moving, not anytime soon anyway. Her words keep running through my mind and I don't honestly know what to do. Should I go after her? Or should I stay here?

She laid all her feelings on the table and practically told to me to decide whether I want to be with her or not. But I'm thinking maybe it's too late now, I have a girlfriend for god's sake. If she'd asked me a couple months ago, I would have said yes in heartbeat but I can't do this to Dani. She's amazing, I care about her, she cares about. I can't do this, not to her and certainly not to me. I mean, what's gonna happen when Brittany goes back to MIT? Like I said to her, I worked my ass off for months to move on and I can't stand the thought of getting back with her, or at least trying, and then be left alone. I refuse to go through that again.

I feel the couch sink beside me and a hand on my shoulder pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up and see Quinn looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

"What happened?" she asks, concern written all over her face.

"Nothing, just thinking about glee club, that's all. Why?" I try to play it cool but it seems like she sees right through me.

"Don't lie to me, Santana. I know you and by the way you're scowling, something is seriously bothering you, so...spill it." She's not amused. I guess I forgot she knows me pretty well. I mean, we had our moments but the girl is practically one of my best friends, aside from Brittany, obviously.

Suddenly I find that looking at the floor is way more interesting than looking her in the eyes. It's not that I'm ashamed to tell her what happened. It's just that even after all these years I'm still not one hundred percent comfortable with sharing my feelings. I see, from the corner of my eye, that she wants me to say something but she doesn't force me. She waits and I'm grateful for that. It's now or never, I say to myself. So I break the silence.

"She kissed me." I mumbled under my breath.

"Sorry, I couldn't quite catch that. What did you say?" She asks confused. Of course she wouldn't have heard me, I barely heard myself.

"Sh-She k-kissed me." I stutter out.

She watches me for a second and I can tell she's about to ask 'who' but then it hits her. She knows who I'm talking about. I lift my eyes and see her smiling at me as if she knew something like this would happen sooner or later or as if she was waiting for it to happen.

"Finally! It was damn time for you two to figure things out and go back to being togeth-" she looks up and my face falls so she cuts herself off. She raises one eyebrow before continuing, damn she's giving me the 'Fabray look' and I don't like it. "Damn Santana, why do you look so concerned about the fact that Brittany kissed you!?" she's almost yelling.

I open my mouth but before I can get a word out, she cuts me off. "Don't even think about saying you have a girlfriend because I know you and that would be a lame ass excuse because you love Brittany"

"Why do you even care? It's not your damn busin-" I can't even finish that sentence because again, she cuts me off and I start to get angry because damn Fabray, just let me talk!

"I care because you're my friend, Santana! Even though we had our fights, you and I both know we can count on each other. And it's my business when I can see that you're not happy in NY and Brittany is not happy at MIT. And you know why that is? I think you know, but I'm going to tell you anyway to try and knock some sense into you. It's because you're not together" she moves closer and places a hand on my shoulder and that's all it takes for me to breakdown. A sob escapes me and I can't control it. She doesn't say anything else, she just starts rubbing my back so I can calm down.

When I'm calm enough, I look at her and she gives me a look that says she's concerned. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand and clear my throat, "You think I don't know that?" I sound so small now that I almost hate myself for it. I take a deep breath, I need to get this out of my chest. "Yes, I love her. More than anything, Q. But I can't hurt her, not again" My voice is trembling and I swallow hard to continue, "Before we broke up she told me I left her behind and it hurt. And I don't want to be the reason why she's hurting, what's going to happen when she goes back to MIT and I go back to NY? We once tried the long distance thing and it didn't work" I'm full on crying right now but Quinn says nothing because she knows I didn't finish yet.

I need to tell her because maybe it'll help me clear my thoughts, I know I count on Quinn and even though I won't ever admit it, right now I need someone's advice. I can't do this all on my own. "I think I won't survive if we rekindle our relationship and then don't get pass this week. It doesn't have to do with the fact that things are the same, because I know it's Brittany and me, and even if things are totally different, even if we are totally different people than we were before, I know we could go back and pretend like last year didn't happen because we'd be happy just being with each other and nothing else would matter." I'm breathing heavily by now and I close my eyes to try and compose myself. After a while, I open them and look Quinn in the eye, "I just want her to be happy and she's not going to if we get back together. I don't want to have a relationship with her where we only see each other through skype. I want to be able to walk her to her job or whatever, to hold her hand anytime I want, to kiss her goodnight and see her face when I wake up in the morning. I want it all Q, and if I can't have all that, I don't want anything. Simple as that" I look at the floor, embarrassed by what I just said. I kinda blurt it out, always thought about it but that was actually the first time I said it out loud and it feels good.

I hear her chuckle and when I look up, I see her practically beaming at me for what I just admitted. "And what makes you think Brittany doesn't want the same things? Did she ever gave you any indication to think that? I think you're just afraid for what happened in the past, but you guys have grown so much and I'm sure you can figure things out" She smiles, letting me know everything's going to work out, or at least that's what I want to believe. "You need to tell her, S. Just like you told me" She stands up from the couch and waits for me to watch her. She's smirking at me. "Grow a pair, Lopez", and with that, she's gone.

I drift into space for a moment, just basking in everything Quinn just told me. She's right, I need to talk to Brittany and see where she stands, were we stand. I'm determined, it's now or never. I need to find her.