The Road Less Traveled (Editing)

Chapter 11

Playlist:

Burning House by Cam
Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
Ex's and Oh's by Elle King
That Don't Sound Like You by Lee Brice
You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

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   I was still lying on the bed, contemplating smothering myself with a pillow, when there was a soft knock on the door.
   "Yes?" I called, half hoping it was Hero.
   I was mildly disappointed when Iris poked her head through the door. "Oh hi," I said.
   "Hi." She smiled, "can I come in?"
   "Sure." I said, making room for her on the bed next to me. "Although I have to admit, I thought you'd be wrapped around Noah by now."
   She padded across the wooden floor, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. She laughed softly, blushing a little. "He's a bit different than my usual type." She admitted.
   "You have a type?" I said, in mock astonishment.
   "Shut up." She said, slapping me lightly on the leg.
   "You guys are cute together," I told her, "think anything will come of it?"
   "Well, considering I came onto him and he said he'd much rather get to know me before we fuck, I think I'll stick around this one for awhile." She had this stupid lovey dovey grin on her face, and even though I was jealous of her ease with relationships, I was happy for her. She was a good person, and thinking about her being happy took my mind off my own dumpster fire of a life.
   I raised my eyebrows, "Well, I wish you the best of luck. You'll keep us posted though right?"
   "Of course," She said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "But, that's not why I came to check on you." She admitted.
   "Oh?" I said.
   "I know I'm not Harrison, and you don't have to talk to me like I am, but do you want to talk about tonight?" She asked gently.
   I shrugged. Did I? I needed to talk to Harrison about kissing Hero, but he still had my phone, so I couldn't text her. But the other stuff? I nodded, and Iris wrapped an arm around my shoulders, snuggling up to me. And so I talked. I explained the full situation to Iris.
   "What do you know about Ian and I?" I began.
   She shrugged. "He's a dickbag. He was a manipulative son of a bitch that tried to control your life and broke a lamp that cut your face when you left him." She said, going along with me.
   "Yeah, but that's not the full story. I don't like to talk about it, and only my parents and Harrison and Dani know all of it. So I'm going to fill in the blanks now." I explained. "Ian and I met in my freshman general education biology class. We started dating. To keep it simple and save us both time, within a couple months, he forced me to give up dancing, kept tabs on me wherever I went, controlled who I talked to and what I did, pressured me into giving up my virginity, and wanted me to move in with him." I said, watching my hands. I couldn't look at her face, because I knew what I would see: pity, anger, sadness, disgust, or disappointment.
   I had seen the same thing on Harrison's face, the faces of my parents, and everyone else who knew the intimate details of Ian's and my disastrous relationship.
   She was quiet for a time, absorbing what I had said. "Did he... abuse you?" She said at last, her voice carefully free of any emotion or tone.
   I shrugged. "I didn't think so at the time." I said quietly, disappointed and ashamed of myself.
   "Oh, Virginia," She said, her voice soft and gentle. "I had no idea honey. I am so sorry."
   "Don't be. I did it to myself." I said bitterly, pulling my knees to my chest.
   "Okay, that's bullshit." Iris said sharply, all gentleness gone. I looked up at her.
   She glared at me like an avenging angel, black hair wild and yellow eyes blazing. "I don't care what happened. I don't care what you did. You did not ask for this. You were young and naive, you couldn't have known any better. You see the best in people and it's something we love about you. Sure, it backfired with Ian, but that doesn't mean you deserve the abuse, the stalking, or need to feel ashamed. You are not the one making someone else scared to live their life. That's on him." She raged.
   "But it is my fault!" I insisted. "I let him do all of it to me." And as the words left my mouth, I realized it was the first time I had admitted it out loud. I had known, deep down inside that I blamed myself for what happened. I dated him. I had given in to his demands for dictating my life, given in to his demands for sex and attention. I had let him ruin my sense of wonder, my belief in the kindness of others, and destroy my ability to trust others and make friendships. I had given him the ability to ruin my life. And I was so ashamed of being weak like that.
   "I let him do this!" I said, "I let him drag me, and as a result all my friends and family into this living hell! Did you know Harrison has my iPhone password so she can always use the 'Find My iPhone' option if I don't come home? That my parents joined me in taking self defense classes? Did you know Dani keeps a baseball bat in his car in case Harrison or I call because Ian is outside our door? I did this! I let him do this!"
   "Let him?" Iris said bewildered. "Virginia, you haven't 'let' him do anything. You filed a court order of protection. You moved. You changed your number. You keep a diary of everything he does to you for fucks sake. You left him. That doesn't sound like 'letting' him do this to you. That sounds to me like you got the fuck out when you realized it was a shitty situation. And Harrison, Dani, your parents, your friends? I promise you, the ones who matter don't care, and the ones who care don't matter. We love you and we're here for you. If you let him isolate you, continue to keep you from moving on emotionally, physically, romantically, whatever, or stop you from living your life, he wins. And I'll be damned if you do that. That's not the Virginia I know. So please, cut the bullshit and realize that this isn't your fault."
   She's right you know, internal Virginia said. I sat quietly considering what she'd said. If we were in each other's places, I knew I'd be telling her the exact same thing.
   "I just feel so guilty." I finally said in a small voice.
   Her angry glare softened, but her tone was still firm. "I understand that sweetheart. But you also need to realize that it's irrational. None of us hold it against you. It's time for you to stop holding it against yourself, and it's time for you to move on and be happy."
   I sighed. "When did you get so wise?"
   "I've always been wise, I just don't have to use my wisdom that often." She said, placing a conciliatory hand over mine. "I mean it though."
   "I know."
   "All you've got to do is take it one day at a time. You can do that."
   "I'll try." I promised. And I meant it. Iris, Harrison, my therapist, they were all right. I couldn't let Ian continue to ruin my life like this. Even Hero had been right. I couldn't let him take fifteen minutes of my night and ruin the other six hours of it. I was letting him do the exact same thing to my life, and enough was enough. It was time to start over again.
   "Good girl." Iris said, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. "Feel better?" She asked.
   "A little. It's good to talk about it I guess."
   "You guess? Don't people pay out the ass for therapy? You get it for free from us." She teased.
   "Alright Doctor Phil." I said rolling my eyes, making Iris laugh.
   "Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" She offered.
   "And deprive you of your snuggles? Never." I joked, and she grinned impishly. "Go on, go molest Noah or whatever it is you guys do these days." I laughed, shooing her off the bed.
   "If you need me just shout." She said, crossing to the door where she paused and looked back at me, "Goodnight Gin, I love you."
   "I love you too." I said as she shut the door behind her.
   I pulled the covers back, crawling into Hero's bed. I groaned to myself as I realized his pillows smelled like him. It's like God or the Universe or someone out there had either a sick sense of humor or had it in for me. I was too tired to care which though. As I lay in Hero's bed, I tried to separate my thoughts about how I felt about moving on, how I was blaming myself, and about kissing Hero.
   Iris was right. It was time to move on. But how? I had resumed school, I was moving forward with applying to grad school. I was trying to move on with my life by going out and doing normal things. Hikes, runs, going to the mall or the movies. Tonight I had gone dancing, which is hadn't done in almost a year. Yeah and look how that turned out, Internal Virginia said snidely. Shut up, I told her. Month by month I had reclaimed something I had lost or given up because of Ian. Was it time to move on physically and romantically? Could I physically move on romantically? I had enjoyed kissing Hero, but back to the guilt and the blame, it had scared me letting him close so easily. What if he was another Ian? I scolded myself immediately for the unkind thought. He was nothing like Ian. The problem was me. I had panicked and I couldn't identify for sure why. What if I was too fucked up now for normal human interaction?

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A/N:
Poor Virginia, guilt is a bitch. She's got nothing to be sorry for. Good thing she's got such good friends to set her straight amirite?
Side Note: according to my abnormal psychology professor, guilt and self doubt are major side effects of stalking. To learn more, you should check out https://www.safehorizon.org/get-help/stalking/
For more information. Stalking is a serious issue in the US and I was appalled to learn how prevalent it is, which inspired me to write Virginia's story to get people aware of just how bad stalking is. Food for thought y'all.