Since about 5th grade I've been cutting myself and been done with it. I would take my anger out on people with words then physically take it out on myself...I thought it worked perfectly. It worked and that was my escape. I'd always wear pants to sleep, to school, everywhere. If we went swimming I'd just say I can't because mother nature. It was pretty funny actually... I'd always wear my sweater at school and home. At friends houses I'd wear long sleeves. It was fine, nobody suspected a thing.
In about the middle of 6th grade I was in P.E. and I cut everywhere. From my thighs to my ankles and I didn't think about it before I did it because I was so pissed off and sad about bullshit from my mom's boy friend, who was a dick head and disgusting, taking my baby sister, saying we can't see her, and doing drugs. Any who, the coach saw it and sent me to the counsellor and nurse. They cleaned it then called my mom. I had to explain to her when I got home and she checked it out. It was so fucking annoying. She cried and talked about how it was dangerous, saddening, and not helping. It was though, for me it was. From that day forward I had to go to counselling every day for 6 weeks instead of 2&3rd period. It sucked. As soon as they stopped checking me, I started again.
Them checking me daily and counselling was just pissing me off and making me want to cut more. It was stupid. At home my mom checked and I was living with my aunt cousins mom and siblings. Every now and then my mom's boy friend. We slept in the living room. My mom, two brothers, three sisters, and my mom's boy friend. We would make a pallet and one of us could sleep on the couch. Not fun. There's no fucking escape. When everybody is against you you can go to the bathroom, but in about three minutes, somebody will be bothering you.
At the time my aunt hated me, my mom oldest cousin and oldest brother did drugs, my other cousins were spoiled brats, my other brother was so sarcastic I wanted to stab him, and my sister's were all just annoying. They would copy me, follow me, dress like me, say things I say, or their hair like mine, I thought that was creepy, and nag me for stuff instead of mom. My two youngest sister's still do that.
For school we would go n hour early, since my aunt took us, and wait outside. We would have to walk home which was 2.5 miles unless we has to pick up the younger ones, than it was 3 miles. Often I would go to my friends Laurens and ask her mom to drive me home. That helped a lot. I wouldn't go home for a few hours so I felt better for while...Happier really... A lot of the time she would just drag me to her house and, "kidnap" me. It was fun...
A lot of stuff happened within the next school year. My oldest sister, youngest brother and I moved in with my dad, and my oldest brother and younger sister's lived in the hotel with my mom and her boy friend. In 7th grade I cut almost every day. I shared a tiny computer room with my sister. My dad actually lived with his sister and her husband so my aunt and uncle were around. They all three disliked me.
My aunt was funny and goofy but she yelled and me a lot, cursed at me which she never does, slapped me, made them food not me, and ignored me.
My uncle talked to them but not me. He laughed with them, joked, ate, took them out, and bought them clothes and stuff. It's like I didn't exist. He barely even said hi to me half the time.
Now with my dad, he gave them money for lunch but forgot mine, he drove them to school if they missed the bus but not me, he brought them food but not me, he called them about going places but not me, he doesn't mind spanking me but not "his kids", and when he's drunk he would tell and hit me. Not them. Not the ones who actually bother him. I didn't come out of the room often for that exact reason.
I'm not liked by so many people, and I don't care. But they treated me wrong for no reason. So I cut. I figured if everybody else is hurting me, why don't I? Right? Seriously though.
When I was in my room sleeping my aunt came in and saw my arm and woke me up by slapping my cuts and yelling. She just made me cut more, I hope she knows that. My sister lifted up the bottom of my pants while my friends were over and saw my cuts. she gasped and I yelled at her. I told her not to tell but of course, she told my mom. She yelled and cried more.
Not long after that she went to jail for a week. When she got out she told us she did meth and speed. After that she got an apartment and we packed all our stuff. The day we were going to move, she went back to jail for 4 months. They said 3 but it was 4. When my dad told me that all of us were sad but I was pissed first, then sad that I was gonna be stuck with him for longer than expected. I called my friend, we talked a little, than I took a nice long shower and cut everywhere and anywhere. The worst I've cut in months.... Then I moved in with my grandpa.
My grandpa was probably the only person who liked me. Not my grandparents. Just him. My grandpa loved me so much. I didn't know why, but often he said I was a lot like mom. Living with him I cut the least. Mimi was a bitch, but grandpa made up for it. She would say that's not good enough, he'd say you tried you can't do more than that. I probably only cut three times a month. Some were worst than others, but mostly it was safe. Not near vains, major arteries, or super deep to where it looks really big. The cuts were over scars so technically I want making more scars.... At least that's what I said to make it less horrible to some people.
....... I think a certain someone helped me with that......
