Manual de Sobrevivência

Zombies

1° Not All Zombies Are Slow

That's it. If you thought zombies were like those old movies, all rotten, falling apart and crawling more slowly than a limp slug, then you made a mistake; some zombies could make a runner be ashamed of so fast they are, just watch Zombieland. Therefore...

2° Have Physical Disposition

If you are chubby, start doing some exercise and diet now. You never know when a zombie apocalypse will occur and you have to be prepared. If your heart can not handle running more than half a mile, then it's easier for you to surrender and calmly be eaten by a hungry zombie. At least it will save you the breath.

3° Don't Look Back

Looking back is one of the worst mistakes you can make, with zombies or not. You will always stumble into something ... A stick, a cart that your unfortunate brother left on the way, the piece of clothing that your mother tol you put in the basket and you didn't obey (you deserved it, who told you not to be organized?) And even on your own feet, if there is nothing else to stumble over. So never look back! Even because...

4° Zombies Have the Power of Teleportation

Yes that's right; Zombies have super powers and they are activated whenever, after you look back, the second time you do this you will see the creature right there a few feet away from your nose. It doesn't matter if the zombie has lost both legs and is crawling on their arms ... If you took his eyes off him and then looked back once more, he will be right there, next to your heel. So never look back (rule # 3).

5° Don't Feel Sorry for Children

They can devour you too, my dear reader, and if you really think that just because they are junior zombies they can't do more harm than an adult zombie, you don't know anything, poor innocent living human being. Children are already terrible when normal, imagine now little pests hungry for brains and fresh meat ... So don't pity the little zombie in training just because he was the son of your neighbor and looks so cute in that sailor's outfit (or of princess, if it's a girl), they will not pity you when he decides to pluck your arms.

6° Use Medium and Long Range Weapons

The further from the zombie smaller are the chances of being bitten. It could be a revolver, a shotgun, even a mini-cannon you stole from a museum (no one will miss that unless they have had the same idea as you) or even a knife, as long as it's tied at the end a stick. Any weapon that puts you more than five meters from the zombie is welcome. If you opt for firearms, then ...

7° Always have lots of Ammunition

Had burst the zombie apocalypse, you stole your father's gun (which he swore he didn't have and that was hidden under his pillow) and after six shots ran out of ammo... Well, you're not very smart then, dear reader. Never left in the midst of a zombie apocalypse unprepared. In fact, not even leaving home unprepared (with zombie apocalypse or not); you can find that hot boy (or girl) and be with the biggest breath of onion and no little bubble gum in your pocket. And you screwed up, right? Always have ammunition and extra weapons that would make Rambo jealous of you; if you lost a gun, you will always have others.

8° Don't Go to the Bathroom (Never)

Zombies smell when you're vulnerable and you want more vulnerability when you're on the throne?! And don't even think about stopping at the roadside for that crap or you might come across a zombie in the bush (literally). Wear diapers and always have a baby powder and baby wipes with you. Developing a (not-so) healthy allergy to pots is better than turning into a zombie defecated, right?