My Life Is In Your Hands [Jackbuscus]

Chapter IX: Disillusion

[Toby's POV]

"Oh my God, that felt amazing" I thought. It had been so intense I wasn't even able to talk or move, I was just shivering and trying to breath normally again. I felt Jack licking my ear and I trembled.

"Better?" he whispered, sexily. I moaned and he kissed me lightly all over my lips. I eventually was able to talk again.

"I.... I love you so much" I whispered. He just smiled. Then we both fell asleep.

Even to this day I'm not able to explain what I felt that night. I knew he hadn't done anything like that before, and he was probably scared, but he did it anyway and he did it for me. I had no doubt: I loved him. I had known that for so long, but I kept denying it, although it was so obvious. Every day I saw him, I was astonished by his gorgeous blue cerulean eyes and that big shiny smile. And all those dreams I had about him... They had all become reality...

[Jack's POV]

"Do I really want this?" I kept thinking to myself. "He said he loves me... I mean, Toby really turns me on, but I'm not sure I love him. Well, I love him, but not in a romantic way... This is so weird! He is my best friend!" I wasn't able to sleep and I kept rolling around on the bed. Toby got near me and hugged me.

"You okay?" he whispered

"Yeah, don't worry" I lied... At that time, I was wishing I were just like Toby was: completely sincere and not afraid to say the truth, even if it wasn't pleasant. I decided I would tell him next morning. I loved him too much to be misleading him that way. On that note, I closed my eyes and finally fell asleep.

[Toby's POV]

I woke up before Jack did. I was surprised by the fact that my stomach wasn't hurting, as it had been doing every morning for the past year. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and looked myself in the mirror. "Wow, look at that. I'm ugly as fuck." I thought to myself, wanting to cry again. "No wonder people don't watch my videos anymore."

I was starving again and I didn't want to keep staring at the person I hated the most, so I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge looking for some food. I just found two expired yoghurts and a rotten tomato. "Oh, that's awesome. No, no! Fan-fucking-tastic!"

[Jack's POV]

I opened my eyes but Toby wasn't there. I didn't like the idea of him being on his own at all, so I woke up as fast as I could and looked for him. I found him in the kitchen looking really concerned about something.

"Hey, man, what's with the long face?" I asked.

"Jack!" his expression changed instantly. He smiled at me and invited me to go near him.

[Toby's POV]

I wanted to kiss him so bad. Since the cutting thing I had been too sensitive about everything and even the dumbest thing made me feel anxious. He approached me with a damn sexy morning look  and I leaned forward to kiss him but he turned his face. He looked very concerned about something.

"Hey" I said fondly, caressing his hair. "What's wrong?"

"Toby... We have to talk"

"Already?" I said jokingly. He didn't laugh though so I just returned to my serious face. "What is it?"

"Look... Yesterday you said you loved me..."

"And I do!" I quickly said. He nodded with sad eyes.

"Okay, this is harder than I thought..." Jack didn't seem to be able to look at me in the eye. "Toby this is going so fast, I need time to... you know, understand everything"

"I wasn't going to ask you to be my boyfriend if that is what concerns you" I said. Actually, I was going to.

"It's not that..."

"Well say it already!" I said jokingly, trying to smile, though I was scared as hell.

[Jack's POV]

I wanted to tell him delicately but he started pressuring me and I finally exploted.

"I don't love you!" I said, louder than I should have. He just stared at me, without moving any muscles, completely in shock. "What I mean is... You really arouse me and I love you a lot as a friend but... I don't know, I'm not sure I feel the same way about you that you do about me"

He seemed incapable of saying anything. "I wanted to tell you as soon as possible because I would hate lying to you since you are so important in my life. I just... Everything that happened last night... I got carried away, I should have told you. Shit. I'm sorry, Toby"

I didn't know what else to say. He looked as if he was about to cry but he was trying to look normal. After a long silence, he finally answered.

"I-It's okay, Jack.... We don't have to... force anything."

[Toby's POV]

I was crying so much inside. However, he was so worried about not hurting me that I couldn't be angry at him. Everything he said hurt me but it didn't mean he was going to leave me, he would stay with me and that was the important thing. It was hard to admit it, but he didn't love me the same way I did and I couldn't do anything about it. I just overreacted because I had been convincing myself that he did... that was all.

[Jack's POV]

Our conversation was going better than expected but of course I had to fuck it up. I got nervous and started saying everything that crossed my mind.

"I mean, I understand that after feeling like no one cares about you, the first person you see doing the opposite can be idealized an-"

"What?" he suddenly looked very pissed off.

"No, you know, maybe I'm not as great as you think I am and it's all because of-"

"Oh, shut the fuck up" he whispered. I couldn't get what he said though.

"What did you just say?"

"I said..." he looked up, with an annoyed expression. "Shut... the fuck... up"

[Toby's POV]

I couldn't believe what he just said.

"So, let me get this straight. Are you saying I don't really love you? Are you saying that I do just because my life is so shitty? Is it because I'm crazy?" I yelled.

"Toby, come on, calm down" he said. "It could be! Think about it!" he also raised his voice.

"Oh, yeah, obviously!" I said smiling ironically while I felt tears falling down my face. "You know what? Yeah! It could be!" I got near him, looking straight into his eyes. "Let's find out, shall we?"

He didn't answer. He looked scared and that was probably because the anger was making me look like a crazy man.

"Get out."

"What? No!" he said, stepping back.

"Get... the fuck... out"

"Toby, I don't want to leave you alone! I'm worried about you, man!"

"Oh! Oh really?" I said laughing ironically. "Maybe it's all in your mind."

He eventually left and I punched the wall with all my strength. "Fuck, Jack...!"

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