Restless, helpless, and broken. All things I could see and deal with, but the thought that there is other people dealing with this is painful and hurts more than anything else I've seen, heard or experienced. I've helped people through tough times, just to cripple myself further and keep them full of strength and hope. I ended up dealing with the pain and absence of words in the end. I get the smallest feel for what they feel, but it all adds up quickly. I've seen the hell and hatred in lots of humanity. I used to be unphasable by people doing harm to themselves, then one of my friends changed that. I saw what it can do and how quickly they went under the same things as many other people and pushed it too far. I myself don't do it because I couldn't put myself up to do it, and if I were to do anything I'd stab not cut, and there's a perfect spot between my ribs that would willingly wield thine blade of surrendering to death with arms wide open to give the loss a totally different meaning. Then there's the abusers I've met. I have been abused in a previous relationship along with many people I've befriended over the vast lifespan of mine. In time I've learned many things that I wish I didn't but am glad I did at the same time. The people in my life I have helped through a lot, but dug myself deeper into other many things. Including greed, pain, and hatred. It is this pain that holds onto me and has become the main demon hiding inside with the other million trying to work together to get out and wreak havoc on my life and the people around. The paranoia seeps in and takes over the senses and thoughts and creates many problems for me and my life that ends up being a huge problem for me, creating my bad habits. Nail biting, edginess, jittering on a major scale, and hallucinations as of recent. I've created my amount of issues for others, and had to suffer the consequences of being an absolute depressed smartass. The things I've said and done under these circumstances are getting someone beaten for opening my mouth and being a wise ass because someone threatened to kill me. This caused absolute frustration and willingness to give them my address. This caused the other side to get even angrier than I. Morale of the story: if you have any problems I'll listen and help to the best of my ability, but there are no guarantees to how helpful I'll be. Just be aware I'm here as a venting source. So don't act out on anything without thoroughly thinking and talking to someone you know fully and actually cares for you. These are the parts of me nobody sees, cares, or even acknowledge that I have. And yet there are the people who have done the worst possible thing by saying "What the hell is wrong with you?" and I always have to keep calm and collective to ensure I don't explode like a nuke on them just because I know I'd blackout and completely have regrettable choices decided by the demons inside.
