To Love Is To Destroy

Chapter 1 /Dantana/

A/N: So I've published this one on fanfiction.net before, I just thought I would upload it on here too :) Have fun reading and don't forget to leave feedback. Sophie :)

Santana’s POV

I never honestly believed moving to New York would magically solve all the problems I’ve had to face since I left McKinley. Clearly, I figured it would be easier to sweep them under the carpet, but the farther I travelled from the place I used to call home, the more bitter I became. I wasn’t homesick. I didn’t miss McKinley, my parents or our old apartment. Going to Breadstix was no longer the highlight of my week; filling college applications didn’t consume any of my freetime anymore.

In all honesty, I only missed one person. I wasn’t supposed to, because we broke up and somewhere deep in my heart I knew this was the right decision to make, but every ounce of my body missed Brittany. Her laugh, all those silly conspiracy theories she used to make up in her head, her dance moves, the way those soft lips touched mine were all that kept me alive for a really long time and now that she was gone, I couldn’t function properly.

Several weeks after moving in with Rachel Berry and Lady Hummel, I was still just a cheap imitation of what I once used to be. Then I started working at the local diner.

It was rather monotonous at first: getting up early 4 times a week, spending all day working for some foreign guy who stole my Yeast-I-Stat and trying to avoid having to use the back door that leads to a semi-dark alley with homeless junkies and whatnot. All that while wearing a ridiculous, red uniform with even more ridiculous, yellowish buttons at the front.

The first time I didn’t have to muster up a fake smile was when I saw her. A beautiful blonde with tattoos on her right forearm and a gaze so meaningful it erased every single doubt I’d ever had about myself. My usual confidence vanished as I spotted her sitting next to the cold brick wall with a guitar on her lap, the neon lights highlighting her soft, pink lips as the right corner of her mouth curled into a charming smile.

Breath: taken.

‘Heading home?’ she asked as I was busy wiping the crumbs off the counter and accidentally dropping the cloth when I heard Dani’s voice rang through the diner.

‘Yeah, I’m almost done’

I bent down, convinced that Dani’s eyes were fixed on my butt, but for some reason, I didn’t feel uncomfortable under her gaze.

She made a disappointed sound when I stood back up. A grin spread across my face.

Luckily for us, the diner went from crowded to almost completely empty in the space of an hour; the last costumer – a middle-aged black man – left around 15 minutes ago. There were many things Bushwickwas famous for, but nightlife was not one of them.

Being left alone in this building with Dani was frightening and intriguing at the same time.

‘Can you play the guitar or are you just imitating Joan Jett?’ I teased her.

Dani pulled a face that reminded me of one of Kurt’s grimaces when he gets pissed after I use up his hair products.

Instead of responding, she played the first few chords to Here Comes The Sun (not a very Joan Jett-like song) and began to sing the song in the most angelic voice I’d ever heard.

I joined in after a few lines and Dani couldn’t hide the self-righteous grin appearing on her face.

Everything about that moment was magical. She made me want to get up on my feet and dance the night away.

Our harmonies were refreshing and new. I brushed my high school memories aside and forced myself to concentrate on my new life.

These three minutes were probably the highlight of my entire year.

‘Oh and for your information, I’m nothing like Joan Jett’ she winked at me after playing the last chord and placing the guitar on the floor next to herself.

‘That I can see’ I responded, cocking an eyebrow and accidentally forgetting to drop my arrogant tone.

‘Is that so?’ Dani asked, a challenging smirk appearing on her face.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that’ I retreated.

‘You know, Rachel’s such a nice girl, I wonder how she can put up with your douchiness on a daily basis’

I stuck my tongue out at her.

Dani leaned in closer and gently pecked my lips. She didn’t catch me off guard; I had a feeling this would happen eventually and I already had the whole scenario planned out in my head.

Now that it finally happened, an unexpected wave of sadness washed over me, filling my eyes with tears of nostalgia and causing my facial muscles to tense up.

Brittany.

I was repulsed by myself.

‘What’s wrong?’ Dani asked.

I shook my head, suddenly wanting nothing but to lock myself up in my bedroom and sob until my body gets dehydrated.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I thought –‘

‘There’s nothing wrong with you’ I cut her off, my voice breaking at every word. ‘It’s me, I’m… fucked up’

She put her hand on my thigh, eyes full of anxiety and pity. The physical contact startled me even more, I could’ve sworn there were butterflies and gleaming stars playing hide and seek in front of my eyes.

My guilt was eating me alive.

Brittany.

Several silent minutes passed before I could get my lips to utter the following words:

‘I’m sorry. I just… I have to go’

I stood up and grabbed my leather jacket. I wasn’t sure if I was apologizing to Dani, Brittany or myself.

‘Santana… Text me when you’re home’ I knew she hated letting me walk the streets alone, but given the mood I was in, Dani didn’t stand a chance ofconvincing me to stay with her.

I slammed the door behind myself and roamed the dark, empty streets of Bushwick. I didn’t feel like going home. I didn’t feel like staying at the diner. I didn’t feel like being.

I couldn’t help but presume I let Brittany down tonight. I tried to move on and with that, I shamed all of our memories. I vandalized those beautiful images of us that I used to treasure oh-so-dearly.

A black Maserati pulled up to the small casino on the other side of the street. 

There were two possible outcomes of my relationship with Brittany: we either live happily ever after or we break up and I’ll spend the rest of my life loving her as much as she deserves to be loved. There’s no moving on, there’s no other girl. There’s Brittany and then there’s everyone else.

I heard slow guitar music playing from one of the Italian restaurants on the corner and all my suppressed pain, the unbearable devastation and the never-ending anxiety hit me all at once. I nearly fell to the ground, the only thing keeping me on my feet was the concrete lamp post I leant toward.

My tears were falling uncontrollably. She was the only person who had enough power over me to make me burst into tears at the thought of what we had.

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck’ I murmured to myself.

I pushed my forehead to the cold post and fought to stifle the sobs ripping past my lips. A drunken couple passed by me on the sidewalk, laughing and holding hands. My sight was so blurred that I couldn’t identify the thin, fragile object in the girl’s hand. I blinked twice; it was probablya rose. They didn’t even look at me.

My eyes were burning, because somewhere deep inside I knew that not even time could heal these wounds. They will forever bleed and they will keep breaking my heart into pieces until one day - when I can’t put up with it anymore - I decide to leave this world behind me.