Through Thick And Thin

Be Okay.

Twenty four hours..It had been twenty four hours without a seizure and they've done so many tests, and haven't found the culprit of these brutal attacks my brain is causing. I'm not questioning it though,im happy to go home and rest, be in my own bed. Eat normal food! But it isn't over yet.. I have thrown up everything I've eaten or ingested since I've been home. My body has turned it's back on me. My brain doesn't want to work anymore, and my stomach hates everything I feed it when usually I ingest anything and it's all good. This isn't fun. I just want to be okay. I just want to be better, stop losing weight, keep just anything down. I feel empty. I went from 102lbs, to 92 in a week. I lay in a hot bathtub to make my pain go away. Travis isn't here..I need him. So much. I miss the talks we had in the treehouse. He hasn't gotten to be my first kiss. Why couldn't it just be mono like Travis had. Or like the time he had Parvo, which was really horrible but I bet it was better than your brain making your body self destruct. He calls me and texts me every day, and I don't have the heart to tell him, because right now he's all over the country racing and the x games are tomorrow, he needs to be focused and stress free.

I looked in the mirror, naked, and saw myself look pale, and not myself. I get on the scale at least four times a day, begging to gain weight. I pray every morning, noon and night, begging to be able to keep something in my stomach. This is scary.. I've been to the hospital already for it. They said it was a stomach virus... I should be able to eat soon. But it's been two weeks. And some days I can handle a little bit of food and water and some I can't eat at all. I got on the scale again for the first time this morning, and waited..WHAT? 83lbs?!

It wasn't long before mom pretty much told our neurologist on call that she was an effing idiot, they said they couldn't help me. So here I am again, with mom and Debby...In a pale colored, sad hospital room, and an uncomfortable hospital gown as we were waiting for my fate to be determined this time around. The doctor came in finally, Amanda.

"Laura. Can we step out please?" she asked.

My mom nodded, flashed me a small smile and left.

"Debby..?" I asked.

"Yes dear? I'm here." she rubbed up and down my arm.

"Don't tell my mom...I'm scared. I'm scared shitless!" I said weakly.

"Baby, I would even be scared if I were you. This makes no sense to anyone. We don't have answers, and you look like a walking skeleton." she admitted sadly.

"I know.. I just wonder when it'll be over..If it'll be over." I trailed off thinking about my TRUE fate.

"Allie, you can hardly even walk. It kills me to see such a beautiful, funny girl to be this sick. We all want answers, and me and your mom are not going to stop fighting for them...Have you talked to Travis today?" she asked randomly.

"Um.. No. I don't want to tell him. X games are tomorrow Debby, I can't tell him." I said honestly.

Mom came back into the room with Amanda, looking rather hopeful.

"Allie, we are going to transport you to Vanderbilt, it's two hours away from here, but they have the best doctors in the country." Amanda said.

"What? What's wrong why can't I stay here?" I asked.

"Allie, there is literally nothing we can do for you anymore. The medications we prescribed aren't working, you're losing wieght very unhealthily and we don't know what else to do. We don't even know if we have enough time to do anything. Your mom signed the release forms and there will be an ambulance here to transport you in an hour or so." Amanda explained to me.

"Okay...." I said scared now.

"Allie..You don't have to wear a hospital gown, only when they're testing with the scanners, but it's better there, and honestly, the food, it's so much better it doesn't taste like plastic, or smell like an elementary school cafeteria, and they don't have these stale and bland curtains and paint on the walls." Amanda said, gaining a small laugh from me, because it was true... the walls were terrible, and the food sucked.