I have no one to blame but myself. 21SEP2017
I spend everyday looking for new ways to blame everyone around me for the things I did. I blame Dona for ruining my family. Whether or not she did ruin my family it doesn't matter now. She's with my father and I have to respect the fact that she makes him happy and that they're married. Regardless if I like it, I need to set aside that pride and just accept the fact she's not going anywhere. I need to grow up and act civilized. My father has a lot of blame on him, and that's just not fair towards him. Blaming him for taking away baseball my senior year is dumb. If I wouldn't have had below average grades, thrown a party, or smoked weed then I would've been able to play without any issues. He supposedly took away fundings for school, when again I lost it due to poor academic motivation and seriousness, and smoking weed again. Ha there's the issue. If you think about it, everything I've had "taken" from me wasn't actually taken from me. I just lost it due to stupid decisions. Finally, blaming both him and my mother for breaking up our family and cheating accusations that may or may not be true. It's is no longer any of my busy, nor is it something that's going to keep eating away at me. It doesn't matter if it happened, it's not my love or my heart. Yeah, it hurts that someone hurt my mother like that but there's nothing I could've done to prevent it. So really they aren't at blame here. Well technically they are but they aren't at full blame. I've brought upon myself for the past what, going on nine years now? I've gone through hell because of something that I let eat away at me when there was nothing I could do. I can't just keep letting things eat away at me when they are no longer serious. I'm the only one still grieving over the divorce, it's time for that to change. I moved on with shooting myself faster than anyone would've expected. Shit, I laugh now every time someone asks me what happens. So why can't I move on from the divorce? I can, and it's going to happen.
Here comes the blame on me. Smoking weed may have been fun for a short period of time, but it should've never been such a main focus in my life. I should've focused more on athletics and grades. Hanging out with friends wasn't going to get me anywhere, especially looking at where that crowd is now. Marijuana has had the had the biggest impact on my life. My decision to start smoking weed would've been better off if I never did. It's always been the first domino to fall. I smoke weed, I get caught in the dumbest ways. Who leaves during lunch to go smoke some weed and then leaves a water bottle that you used to smoke the roach in their backpack? Really, I snuck out of my room fifteen minutes before the New Year's Day ball drops expecting not to be caught... how idiotic can I be?
My grades have always been my fault. We all know I'm smarter than what my grades in high school showed. I just didn't apply myself like I should have and actually cared about my education and trying to do something with my life. I always complain and whine about not being where I want to be in life. Sure, I've done a very small thing with my life now, but if I would've actually cared about my grades I would've at least graduated college or graduating college this year in case I still did join the reserves. But instead I wanted to dick around and at like it's no problem I got this. No, that's not how this works. If I don't care about it, it's not going to get done to my fullest capability. It's gonna be half assed and its going to show.
Blaming the divorce and my family breaking on myself isn't fair to me. I was 13, how could I prevent a marriage from stopping or a family splitting up? I couldn't. I need to stop carrying the weight of the universe on my shoulders and just learn to let loose for once and relax. All of this worrying and stressing over little things is killing me and you can tell. I stress myself out the most and I'm the one doing it. Like, I have no one to blame but myself. I have all control over my body and my actions. I need to start acting like it and stop letting outside things have an affect on my life. It's my life. It's my happiness I need to worry about. I control what comes in, what things affect me, and what things I let take away my happiness. It's time I finally take control of what makes me happy and what keeps me happy. Nothing else matters right now and that's all I'm going to focus on. It's only up from here.
