The vagabond who's tethered to the world

Poisonous

I am a terrible person.

The plan was to defeat him once and for all. How many lives would be saved if he was turned into the silver cloaked council we said. How easier the people of our countries lives would be we said. What fools we were. I knew better. I knew so much more, so much of what this man was capable of but I kept quiet. I failed before and I knew how easy it would be to fail again but I was foolish. Surrounded by loved ones I thought we could win. I thought I was strong enough. And as always I was wrong.

I knew we should've aborted the mission when we had gotten separated but again. I was foolish. I thought it all would be fine. I knew my strengths and I knew my weaknesses. I honestly believed I could win. But I had forgotten. That man was a monster.

And when only two of us attacked, changing the plan I was so proud of I should've expected the results. We where bound to fail. I was bound to fail. And I was too late in realizing the truth.

I was to late to reach her. As much as I ran and cursed and screamed I was to late. As she fell to the floor I could see the light leave her eyes. She promised, she assured me so many times and yet. I wanted to go back, I wanted to be better. I wanted to save her and yet it wasn't enough.

The blood weaved it's way around my hands like silk. Mocking me in triumph, I couldn't save her. I knew I could do better. I prided myself in being strong, winning each war and yet she died. She promised she would live and she died on me.

The guilt creeped out on me and like poison clouded my thoughts and ruined my way of thinking. I was loosing touch with myself and yet I didn't care. I wanted her back and I knew she wouldn't be back.

A horrible terrible person.

The man who killed her stood in front of me. He was my enemy while she was my friend. He took away everything from me in the past and now he was doing it again, and I was to late again. There he stood, a smug grin on his face, watching me weep and relishing his victory.

He was mocking my weakness. Proving to everyone I wasn't strong enough. Proving to me that I wasn't capable enough. I wanted him dead. To choke the life out of him as he did her. But in order to do that I had to be strong, and as her cold body reminded me, I obviously wasn't.

Once again I let what was precious to me slip through my fingers and once again I let my enemy escape. As he walked of others started to rush over to me. They finally caught up, they finally see how I failed to save her. The guilt was working through my system a lot faster. The poison suffocating me, making it harder and harder to breathe. They pointed stares of sadness, pity, and disappointment made me want to vomit. I was supposed to save her, they counted on me to save her and I failed. I wanted to scream.

A lying terrible being who didn't deserve to live

I let them in. I let her in and I let everyone else in despite my better judgement and now I was paying for it. My body started to shake from my weak state. I had been screaming for what seemed like hours. Hoping that my screams would some how bring her back. It burned my throat and yet I continued to scream ad weep. I didn't want my heart to believe she was dead even though I knew in my mind she was.

They tried to pry my hands from her body, make me leave the rain. They knew she was dead and that crying for her to come back in the pouring rain wouldn't do anyone any good. I fought them off, I wouldn't let her go, not yet. Vincent took my hands from her body and looked at me. A serous look on his face that he almost never showed.

"You have to let her go."

But I didn't want to. That was the most painful revelation that I knew I had to accept. I didn't want to let her go. The light returned to my eyes. But he could. There's the answer he could turn back time. Vincent could go back and save her. He's done it before.

I told him my plan. It was perfect. He would bring her back and then everything would be fine. I wouldn't have failed. His eyes looked sad. Something I didn't realize until I looked back at the event, replayed it long after the fact. He took my face in his hands, eyes threatening to spill from his own face. He said no. He ushered words to me that I had said to him so many times that it hurt to comprehend. Here I was asking for something I should have never asked. And while I wanted so desperately for him to turn back time I knew he couldn't.

The words of Vincent, no, the words I have said aloud so many times rang through my ears as I let go of her. As I got up from the floor, the light in my eyes now long gone. As I walked away, no longer hearing the voices of my friends calling out to me, pleading to not loose me too. The words rang through my head as I walked away and wondered the streets. As I wished so desperately that I had died instead.

And yet here I stand

I begged. I begged and pleaded for him to change his decision. To right my wrong, to bring her back but he wouldn't budge. He claimed that when he did it many things went wrong. So many things could change or go wrong. So many things that I didn't or couldn't understand. But I did understand. To someone who always saw the gray I finally saw black and white. He could bring her back and that was all that mattered. And yet he still said no.

He was right to tell me no, after all it was my mistake. One that I had to live with. One truth that I wouldn't admit until I was telling someone else how wrong it was to change the course nature set. Seeing myself in another lost sole who wanted so desperately to fix the problem they had caused. Vincent was right for one painful reason.

You could argue that it was to keep the natural balance or to keep me from relying on laws that didn't bend to mortal wishes. No it was for one simple fraise that Vincent was right. One that I should've understood when I had asked.

Breathing when others cannot

"The price for magic is a painful one, a price that you could never hope to pay."
After all you could never pay the price, but those you wish to save will ever so desperately never stop paying it.

And as I set out to start over again, a heavy heart and old wounds threatening to hold me back I move forward. To an unsuspecting town that I will attempt to never make the same mistakes I did in my old abandoned life. I will hope to leave everything in the past. Hope that my secrets will stay buried and not try to tear down the walls I have built. To hope that another unsuspecting person won't die because of me again.

And most importantly I hope that wherever Eliza is out there in the great unknown, I hope that she hates me. I hope that she despises me as much as I do myself.

As I entered the town the poison grasped me, reaching its peak. I no longer smiled, I no longer cried, I no longer had light in my eyes. My final hope was that I never receive a cure for this poison, because in all honesty. For a monster like me, death would be to easy.

A horrible terrible person I am indeed