Camren & friends crack one shots

The Bacteria Files

I never finished this and it used to be published separately but I figured I'd upload it here including a part that was never published. So, this is still not finished, but its iconic so I didn't wanna get rid of it :')

Ugh, another day, another tour, I thought to myself. I kind of wanted to jump into a hole and force myself not to eat bananas for a few years, which is equivalent to death. I finished off my tuna sandwich and sprayed some cat urine into a corner to rejuvenate the rooms energy. Then, taking off my bra and chucking it across the room, I ran into the hallway. The time for the q&a had arrived, and I headed towards the stage.

As I got backstage, I saw my mother Sinu gesturing for me to come over to her.

"MIJA cOme TF OVER hErE!!" She shriek whispered. As I approached her, I said,

"What do you want mUJER I have to go on stage in like a minute?!"

"I juss wanted to say thaet, I was just talking to your pr manager, and he says he wants you to have a pr relationship."

My mouth gaped as the words fell out of her mouth.

"WOT!!! I don't need anything else complicated in my life right now!!!"

"I know sweetie, keep your voice down. But he says it'll be very beneficial to your career."

"My career is fine!!! I don't need any more of his bs!!"

"He said if you don't start an interesting relationship in the next few months, a year from now you will flop and have a bad scandal."

"What is he, a psychic??? I have an interesting relationship thank you very much!!"

"But sweetie, it's not public."

"I don't care!!! Tell him he can suck Lauren's g!p."

I fumed in anger and stormed away from Sinus infection. How dare she even consider a pr relationship for me, how low and disgusting. I grabbed a spoon that happened to be lying on the ground and shoved it down my throat and puked in a corner. The remnants of my tuna sandwich dripped down the wall. I wiped my mouth off with my sleeve and caught the eyes of a peasant worker who was backstage cleaning. Her eyes widened and when I looked at her she quickly looked away and gagged slightly. I laughed to myself and walked on stage.

I put on a smile and walked over to the lady that read out all the questions for me. The twenty or so people in the audience cheered and shouted my name. I waved and sat down next to the woman. She gave me a disgusted look and whispered to me,

"Why do you smell like actual death?"

"I don't know you're probably smelling the essence of puke, tuna, and cat urine. I'm thinking of making it into a perfume and selling it, what do you think?"

"I don't think that's a good idea." She grimaced and looked down to her paper to look at the questions. Then she hesitantly handed me the microphone, being careful not to touch my hand as I grabbed it. Peasant.

"Hi guys!!" I smiled enthusiastically to the crowd and waved. They cheered excitedly. The lady next to me gestured for me to put the mic in front of her. She began reading off boring questions from the fans in the audience and I answered the best I could. The questions were always the same. I felt myself slowly leaning to one side, my eyes rolling to the back of my head. The lady noticed me leaning and nudged me.

"Last question thot." she whispered. I groaned and sat up as straight as I could. The woman looked down at the sheet of paper and read out,

"From, Jimmy neutron. They ask, if you could be reincarnated as any person, animal, or thing, what would it be?"