Hard to Love

c h a p i t r e u n

I had been dreaming again. But well, when you lived in this kind of dump, you had to dream to survive. But it's dangerous dreaming sometimes. Because once you let down your guard, you become vulnerable.

"Nala, it's your turn", a redheaded girl said, entering our shared rooms. Our rooms were a bit like dorms. About five bunk beds in each room with a small desk and a cupboard on each side of the bed for the girls who shared it.

I sighed when I heard the girl's words. One, she always managed to turn my name into something entirely different and she had taken to calling me Nala recently because we had just watched Lion King. Two, even though it had been happening to me for more than two years now, I was still not used to.

If you're getting confused, to put it quite bluntly, I was a whore. Yes, I slept with men for money. Sometimes I enjoyed it, sometimes I didn't, but I didn't do it for pleasure. I did it because I had to. And right now, I definitely had to.

I changed into the sexiest pajamas I owned, a burgundy lace trim satin cami and shorts set

I walked out and saw Kendra running frantically towards the Beige Room, the room I sleept in. Kendra was the one who managed this place.

"There you are Nya! George is waiting for you. And put the robe on that, will you? You know he likes it when it's subtly sexy, right", she said, then ran right off. I was used to it so I didn't get startled.

I walked back into the Beige Room and got a robe. George was my best paying client and I really didn't want to lose him. He was one of the only clients who actually didn't see me as an object.

I walked down to the client's section. It was basically a lounge with a small hallway leading to the rooms. Every regular had their room and the non-regulars were given random rooms.

I walked to George's room, knocked then walked in. He was stretched out on the bed, in nothing but his underwear. George is not a bad looking guy. In fact, if I weren't in this shit, he'd probably be someone I could be attracted to. But with the craziness in my life, I definitely didn't need or want a relationship.

"Hey", I said softly when I reached the edge of the bed. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. He didn't say anything back, all he did was take my arm and pull me to lean alongside him on the bed.

I stared at the white ceiling and sighed silently. George always did this thing where he spent a few minutes in silence. I didn't look at him but I knew he was observing me so I made sure to school my features into a mask of indifference.

After a while, I started dreaming again. This time around, I saw myself walking around a really beautiful apartment, showing the client around. The apartment was very modern and it had a great view of the ocean.

"You're smiling. You're beautiful", George said, getting me out of my musings. I realized what I was doing and I immediately wiped the smile off my face.

"Smile more often", he said in a soft voice, and when I turned to him, I got scared. I didn't need to be friends or anything more with my clients, neither did I want to.

"Let's just get this over with", I said and watched his brows furrow.

"Why do you always shut me out?", he asked and I sighed in incomprehension. This had never happened before. Why now?

"Look, George. We've been doing this for over a year now. Why now?", I asked with a huge touch of confusion in my voice.

"Because I realized you deserve so much more", he explained, his eyes getting wider. At this point, we were both sitting up on the bed, facing each other.

"George, I am a whore. W-H-O-R-E. If that doesn't spell it out to you, I don't know what will", I said earnestly. I didn't think what I did defined me, no. But I just had to make sure he knew where I stood.

"I get it. I had hoped this would turn out differently but I was trying to fool myself. But know one thing, I care about you, Star", he said, then dropped a wad of cash on the bed, dressed up and went out.

I sighed. This was the first time something like this had happened to me. I wanted to leave this life, but I wanted to leave on my own. I didn't want to be dependent on any man or woman who could make me into their puppet. I was going to do it all by myself.

***

I finally had the courage to face Kendra after George had left. I picked up the money, put it in my shorts, wore my robe and left the room. I reached the lounge and I did a double take seeing who was standing there.

He was the epitome of everything I was not used to seeing here. Young. He looked over at me and we stared at each other for a long while. Then I came back to my senses and looked away. I had lost my client, even though he had left me quite a substantial amount of money. I did not want to get into any more trouble.

I walked into the Beige Room and thanked my lucky stars it was empty. I was going to be able to count the money and see how much I was going to keep. But first, I needed sleep. Kendra was not going to collect the money until the next day.

I had to wake up early to prepare for school tomorrow. If there was any sense of normalcy in my fucked up life, it was that, and as shitty as it could get, it kept me grounded and I could not afford to miss any of it.

***

Hello. So I'm rewriting this story. Hope you like it.
Vote and comment if you did!!

Essie 🌺