Letters

Prologue: Her POV

I'm here.

Finally!

After years of just admiring from afar, I am finally here.

I've been dreaming of this moment for so long,

And now... I'm here in this moment.

No more envy.

No more sadness.

This is real.

Nervously, I squirmed and shuffled around. I keep stealing glances ahead before looking at the ground again. I can feel myself sweating. I feel hot. I doubted again whether I can do this.

Of course I can. I waited for this to happen for a long time.

It's not like this is my first time to see them. I've seen them multiple times, but from afar. This is the first time I'll see them up close and interact with them.

The people ahead of me are slowly moving as I keep rehearsing inside my head what I am supposed to say and do.

I've practiced this a million times in my head already. I can do this perfectly.

Finally, it's my turn. The woman ushering us tapped my shoulder. Instantly, I looked up and faked confidence. I smiled as widely and as beautifully as I can as I walk towards the seven men waiting for me.

I would have realized how dashing everyone looks; but my eyes automatically, as if rehearsed, zoned in on my bias. Everyone and everything seems like a blur as I nervously and awkwardly walked towards him. After a while, I look at the ground again. I really can't take being looked at. And even though, Hyunsik was the only one I saw clearly, I can feel everyone's eyes on me.

Why did I even think I can do this?

I shook my head to keep myself sane. I heard them snickered a bit.

"Don't be nervous." One of them, Eunkwang most probably, uttered.

I tried my best to follow his instruction so I looked up and saw all of them are waiting for me to strike a pose or just do/say something.

I looked at Hyunsik who was infront of me; seemingly asking for help. This clueless girl has no idea what she's supposed to be doing here. Why am I even here?

Beads of sweat continuously flow on my back and head. My nervousness just turned up another notch when I realized I just looked at Hyunsik in the eye. Does he know? Did he realize who I am?

I looked up ahead and smiled for the camera. I almost laughed bitterly out loud. Why would he know? It's not like he has read my letters.

As the camera flashed, a bunch of thoughts also flashed in my head.

Letters.

Lots and lots of letters.

Bulks of them, I've written to Hyunsik.

Bulks of them I sent through my friends who went to South Korea and encountered them.

I have always been sure that Hyunsik has never read my letters.

They're long and boring...

... and nonsensical.

But now I've confirmed that he has never read them, a pang of hurt still attacked me.

At first, I wrote just what I thought about him.

But slowly, I realized I've thought of him every day in everything.

Everything reminded me of him.

So I wrote them too; I didn't know I was giving a piece of myself in every letter.

Like an addict, I wrote to him, poured my heart out even for senseless topics.

But then I stopped.

I realized I've poured my heart out too much.

I needed to stop.

If I held onto him even more, I might become really delusional.

I might start hurting him if I keep a tight hold on him.

I need to stop.

I poured my heart out in something else – work.

I worked my ass out and dreamed to meet him in person.

But like every addict, I still go back to writing to him.

Cause he feels like home;

A home I can never return to, though I never owned in the first place.

This time, I never sent my letters.

I never wanted to be delusional.

I am just a fan.

A drop in his ocean of blue

I've kept that drilled in my head.

I didn't know that deep inside me, I was hoping he would recognize me.

So this pang of disappointment and of sadness was something I did not expect.

I took one last look to the seven of them, bowed my head as I softly say my thanks before the staff could even decide to violently take me away.

I took one last look at Hyunsik, hoping he might give some signal that he did recognize me.

The usher impatiently called, a gentle reminder for me to stop being delusional.

I bowed my head again for the last time before walking out.

Once outside I cursed.

I forgot all that I practiced.