Never Been Better [boyxboy]

What I See

It's easy to romanticize being alone. Until being alone changes into being lonely - then everything begins to reflect the ugliness you feel inside.

Still, I knew that during the past two days of isolation I had felt less lonely than during the nights I had drunk memories away with my friends.

As far as my parents knew, I hadn't left the bathroom that day. That's why when my mom came home, she told me - no, begged me - to come out and talk and eat something. "We can fix this", she said. "We want to help you." She didn't know anything.

In reality, I had spent the day in bed. I'd even managed to eat a sandwich but realized it made me feel hopeful, taking care of myself, and I didn't like that. I liked feeling tired. I liked feeling hungry and weak. I liked feeling like I couldn't lift myself off the bathroom floor.

Half an hour before my mom would come home, I locked myself up in the bathroom again with my headphones on. I listened to the loudest song I knew to stop the ringing in my ears.

"Caspar, please. Everyone's worried about you."

Who's everyone? I wanted to ask. Who did you tell?

I didn't say anything. There was only one thing that would make me open that door, and she knew it.

The floor was cold and there was nothing to cover me. When was the last time my mom had kept me warm? Took me in her arms and kissed my forehead?

I couldn't remember. But I remembered her smell. The song she used to sing to me when I was too scared to go to sleep. It was louder than the music playing in my ears. For a moment it was everything.