Forever Missing Him

The night sky was dark with clouds as the droning sound of heavy rain pelted down on the roof of Kaneki's house. In the dark, once shared bedroom is where Kaneki lay, silent sobs escaping his lips and wracking his body as he clutched an old, worn pillow like a lifeline and thought about that hellish night over and over again. He felt as if he were reliving it as he lay there, unwanted memories flooding through his brain with wild abandon. He remembered the pain he felt as he had watched him bleed, the sound of strained wheezing as he stumbled and fell, the sensation of holding him with tears running down his face as the heat of the fire engulfed them both, and the cold as he walked through the snow-covered streets with the limp and lifeless body.

Kaneki wailed as quietly as he could as his thoughts bombarded him, burying his face into the pillow. This night marked four years since his lover, Hideyoshi Nagachika, had passed. He had died in the arms of his best friend after an injury sustained from an encounter with Aogiri's Noro.

Kaneki sniffled, inhaling the scent of the pillow that was once Hide's. This was the only part about being a ghoul he truly liked; with the enhanced sense of smell, he could still pick up his scent. Hide's scent was something that kept Kaneki satiated. It kept him sane, kept him calm, and most of all, kept him happy. Though tonight, the sweet, delicious smell of Hide only made his breakdown worsen as he recalled the happier days they had together. The nights they had spent in this bed mindlessly chattering about anything they could think of were ones Kaneki cherished immensely. He remembered the night that Hide had spoken to him about his romantic preferences, told him that he was bisexual, and confessed to him that he had had a crush on Kaneki since the day he realized it. Kaneki had happily accepted Hide as he did before, but after being told this, had subconsciously developed a few new mannerisms. He'd lean in closer to Hide than before when helping him with work, would blush and stutter at any offhand compliment from the boy, and would have invasive thoughts about how Hide's lips might have felt when kissed or how soft his hair would be if he were to run his fingers through it. Hide caught on quickly due to his hypersensitivity—though Kaneki now wondered if he knew even before he himself did—and asked him on a date. After that night, the two felt as if they had finally let out a held breath. Being together just felt right to them.

For three years, the two were happily together. Then Kaneki was kidnapped by Aogiri and tortured for days on end. His disappearance was the most devastating thing to Hide, causing the young man to worry and stress about the whereabouts and wellbeing of his boyfriend, hoping that everything was alright and that his worry was for naught.

Then he saw him just after he witnessed his friend Seidou Takizawa be brutally murdered by the same odd ghoul that injured him. All he did was mutter his friend's name, causing the strange being's head to whip around to face him. Only, he was situated behind the thing. He cringed as he heard the loud cracking and snapping of bones, though the ghoul didn't seem to notice at all, and if it did, it didn't care. Hide tried to back away, fervent apologies falling onto deaf ears as he stumbled over another dead body, presumably one of the ghoul's other victims, and fell. He pleaded to be spared as the tall figure towered above him, and a scream tore from his throat as the kagune he didn't see appear pierced through his side. He somehow survived the attack, choosing to wander the streets to see if he could find anything or anyone to help him.

That was when he saw him.

Kaneki was as injured as he was, so without thinking, he grabbed his lover and carried him all the way to Anteiku. He laid him down, made—awful— coffee for them both, and talked to him when he finally woke. The joy didn't last long, and soon he was in Kaneki's arms as he continued to bleed. A fire broke out, and the last thing he heard before everything went blank was a single, quiet I love you.

Kaneki loved Hide deeply, loved him more than any book in the world. For years, his ringtone had been Hide's favorite song and his wallpaper a picture of the two of them, Kaneki struggling and laughing as Hide eagerly kissed him on the cheek. In the beginning, he couldn't stand to look at his phone, but now, it's something that brings a bittersweet smile to his face as he sheds his tears.

As Kaneki looked at the bed, another sweet and cherished memory of Hide came to him. The first time the two had ever made love. He remembered that the night had started out as the two watching movies and laughing together, just being as happy as they could be. When a short sex scene had started in the movie, Hide decided to mock it and sat himself down in Kaneki's lap, being overly dramatic as he repeated lines the woman had said. In time, the two had become a little hot under the collar, and before long Kaneki was underneath Hide, legs hooked around his back and nails dragging down his skin, moaning his name and rocking with him as Hide slowly and sweetly took him. Kaneki had shouted Hide's name as the hot coil in his stomach finally snapped, causing Hide to groan out and let loose as well. Kaneki could only describe the afterglow he experienced as euphoric as they snuggled in their bed after cleaning up. He remembered crying at one point, much to Hide's worry and confusion.

He never told Hide that those tears were from the happiness he had felt, and the pure love and admiration that had swelled in his heart.

Kaneki turned to look at his clock, the final remnants of tears drying on his face. He wanted nothing more than to sleep now that it was over. His eyes burned as he read the time; 4:19 AM.

He looked up at the night sky through the window, rain still pouring as he hugged the pillow he loved so much tightly. "Goodnight Hide," he muttered, as he slowly drifted off to the sound of rain.