All At Once

Chapter I

Prologue:

Maybe it's true that we can't hold on for a moment that we want to last forever. Probably because we think that they're happening in a speed of light. Temporary. Short-term. That's what others may call it. 

While those dark moments that we wanted to die out quickly seems to be still. We live in them for like a long time that it swallows us bit by bit. Sucking out all the hope and courage left within us.

That's what the paradox of life is about, isn't it? We don't have another option but simply to accept it. But I haven't been able to make that acceptance to happen as of now.

Friday, 4th of July (5:30pm)

The smell of pavement didn't help in dissolving my tears away. It seems like the rain has finally ended but I don't feel like a toddler who jumps up and down when the weather cooperates with what you want. To tell you frankly, I didn't know where I'm heading to. It's the Fourth of July and everyone's a little bit disappointed when a heavy rain starts to pour down hours ago. 

Still, the celebration's going to happen no matter what. But, I didn't feel like sitting in the docks, watch colorful lights sparkle in the sky while raising a cup of beer in one hand, holding another hand with Matthew, and making sure that it won't untangle forever. Matthew. Images started to flicker in and out of my mind like blinking my eyes the moment I wake up in the morning. That's where all of these begins. A tiny cut in my heart that ends up slowly into a bleeding wound. Then, all of a sudden, I realized: I'm totally heartbroken.

Friday, 4th of July (2:00pm)

A pattering sound wakes me from a dream-filled sleep. I roll over to the nightstand when I realized that it's almost two o'clock in the afternoon.

"You must be kidding me." I murmur and manage to sit-up. Only then, two pairs of blue eyes meet mine. He's standing by the door, staring at me like I'm a banana split ready to be eaten.

"Hey, Matt, what's up with you?" My voice is almost a whisper but he manage to narrow his eyes at me and says three words I always wanted to hear when I wake up in his bed, "You're a mess."

He made a beeline towards the bed and kisses my forehead. He smells like pancakes and my stomach aches. "And you always smell like pancakes. Why is that?"

I know it's stupid to ask it from time to time but I always wanted to hear his chuckle and say, "To make you crave for more pancakes I always cook you for, of course." But, for now, he didn't say it, and he didn't chuckle neither. Instead, he frowned and a crease between his eyebrows begins to form. 

"I want you to get dress properly and go downstairs. You look like someone had made love to you last night." 

"Am I?" I asked like the truth has been slapped on my face.

"Uh-huh. But, don't worry, I still can't manage to do it to you." he says it as a matter-of-factly.

"But we're engaged. Most guys will love---"

"No, I can't." He stands up and crosses his arms in his chest.

"What? Why? I mean, why are you changing your mind? Last night, you told me this night will be special for the two of us, but then what?" I didn't know why, but my voice shifts into an sweet-caring-mom-scolding-her-child mode.

"I... Natasha, I just can't, you know..."

"I understand, Matt. I am but---"

"No, you don't, okay? Let's just talk about this downstairs. I can't handle all of this up here." he whispered and lowered his head to kiss me in the lips. The butterflies in my stomach started to flutter their wings and fly away when he slowly shut the door close.