signed, not the love of your life.

missing you.

The one that got away,

I've never hurt this bad. It feels like I think about you 95% of my day. I try to have friends around, and end up talking to them about you. I feel tears about to roll and my throat gets tight. I have to stop myself and start talking about something else. Last night I got drunk off my sisters stash of box wine, chardonnay. It was the nastiest wine I've ever had, and I practically forced myself to drink it because I wanted to be fucked up. I wanted to feel nothing anymore. I ended up drunk texting you and telling you I was so in love with you and I needed you, just for you to say "no you're not, wish you the best" and blocked me immediately after. I then sat in the floor and cried hysterically staring up the ceiling begging God himself to fix things and send you back to me. I screamed a little and thought about throwing myself off my sisters balcony, but decided my sister finding me dead just wasn't worth it. I'd rather feel this worthless and unimportant in the world than to know my sister would have to see me like that. Sometimes I wonder how you'd feel if I really did kill myself. Sometimes I think youd not even care, and others I can imagine you punching anything you can see and dropping to your knees crying. I can also see you sitting there, staring blankly, realizing what this relationship did to me. It hurts my heart to think about all of it. I miss your skin. You have the perfect complexion, and always so warm. You have perfect shaped lips, that when touched are the softest things in the world. I've tried talking to you for a month and a half and all you do is shut me out. You make me feel as if I'm some annoying obsessive freak who won't get out of your life and continuously gets on your nerves. I just cant let you go and if you only knew how much I want to. My whole body aches for you, just for you to be beside me. The day I said goodbye to you, left the state of California.. went back to the other side of the United States. It was the absolute worst day of my life and my all time biggest mistake. I should have never left. I was so scared after you had cheated on me multiple times before that youd do it again, and this time with her. Your "best friend". You'd talk to her nicely, treat her good and want to hang with her everyday. Youd talk to her all day long on messenger, and even call her sometimes. Youd tell her how beautiful she was. Youd send her heart eye emojis. You never did any of that for me. You always took up for your side pieces more than me. My heart was so damaged by the time she came around I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted to peacefully love you, marry you, and even have your kids. I wanted to show you the world and take care of you. As a little girl I never knew love was going to be this hard. I thought you were supposed to have a love and first sight thing with someone who symbolized a handsome prince.. who'd never treat you wrong, where we'd never fight, he would only want me. He would only love me. I expected security and complete love from a man. You know that part in Grey's Anatomy where Meredith is telling Derek he isn't allowed to get mad and have any say so with how she copes with him hurting her so badly. Because shes sleeping with random men and hiding her pain in bad ways. I feel that to an extreme now and understand. How can someone show you all the ways they dont want you, prove it everyday for months and even put you in the shittiest positions ever in life, then complain when they talk to someone else. Someone who doesn't want to hurt them, or call them fat, or break a girls heart. You cheated on me WHILE we were together. You did me the dirtiest you could. I never not once did that to you. I never did. But once we broke up for real and I talk to someone other than you, I'm a whore. The biggest whore in the world. That itself coming from you literally tore my self concious, and heart apart. I am completely depressed. It's like I can feel it throughout my entire body. I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel like I dont even want to shower. I dont want to eat. I dont want to brush my hair. I dont want to clean period. I dont want to leave my sisters house. I smoke to feel something else, and because it's the only thing that makes me eat since I left you. It doesn't get better. I dont think it ever will. Time does not heal all wounds. I truly believe you are my soulmate, and we will find each other again. It breaks my heart that you just dont feel the same. I dont figure you ever really truly loved me. The way you made it out to be. Ya know? You barely cared. I still stayed though. I thought maybe youd learn to love me or eventually really fall in love with me. But it's my fault I guess. I thought wrong. I hurt myself. I pray every day you'll come back to me. And realize maybe you did love me. Maybe you do want me back. Cause I'm always gonna want you back.

Signed,
   Not the love of your life