signed, not the love of your life.

clockwork.

The one that got away,

A few times a day I check my messages with you to see if you've unblocked me yet. You havent. What would I even say to you if you did? I've said what I needed and even repeated it alot. You listened. You just didn't care. And I think that in itself is a whole other heartbreak completely.
I'm not the same. I can feel myself never wanting to love again. I dont think I can. How does one get over enduring a hard back breaking relationship, fighting to keep someone who doesn't want to be kept, losing that person, and then being pushed away completely by that person. Knowing you'll never see there face again. States away, where the chances of you two being in the same town again is slim. All I can think of is how I'd redo this whole relationship and just fix everything. I would have rather broke my heart staying with you through all the bullshit and lies and pure hell, than to be alone without you holding my hand. All my friends and family hate you. For what you did to me. But I always catch myself telling them "he wasnt always bad". Which is true. When we were good we were good. We lit up rooms with how happy and good we were together. You have the world's most beautiful smile. I could never get tired of seeing it. I would give anything to make you smile again, and to be able to see it. I would do it all over again. My family is concerned with me, they ask what I'm gonna do or what's my plan for life now. All I have to say to them is "I'm waiting til it stops hurting to decide if I even want to live." I feel bad, and know I shouldn't say anything and just bullshit. To save them, from hurting over me. But I cant even do that, it's so obvious I'm fucked up now. I need you. You are the strongest strain of black tar heroin, the purist cocaine, a sheet that gives me the most insane and amazing trip and I'm a fiend. Drug abuse never ends well. So I dont think my demise will be any different. You have changed me. Forever. I think about your hand tattoo all the time. How the scar feels when I rub my finger over it. I wonder if you ever think about me and punch walls like you use too. I hope not. But a small side of me wishes youd love me enough too still. I miss California more than ever. I miss the way it looks, I miss how it never got pitch dark at night and rolling blunts in the back of the yard, watching you in that light. I need you so bad. I need you right beside me. I know I've made a world of mistakes. I just wish you loved me as much I love you, and forgave me just like I did for you every time. The chest pains are the worst. I've never felt so crazy in my life. I got my period the other week and it literally made me so sad to know I wasnt pregnant. Not to trap you, but because I always wanted your kids. I wanted to marry you. Spend everyday with you, forever. I think of what could have been everyday. No matter what it is, what I'm around, Im always thinking about you, like clockwork.

Signed,
     Not the love of your life.