Get it all out

3

Wrote this because I just ugh..

I am wide awake.
I lay in my bed with my eyes pryed open and I stare into the dark corner of my room as my lip quiver' s.

I can feel the tears rushing their way into my eyes as I think the had terrible thoughts that happen every night and I finally cry.

I cry and I hate myself as I do but it's all that I can do.

I get up, walk over and grab the oh so familiar object that makes my skin tingle.

With tears streaming down my face I reluctantly bring the blade I took out of an old pencil sharpener and went so far as to soak it in alcohol closer to my arm.

I lightly move the blade in small little lines. Each time I make a indent in my arm, I go deeper. Until I start to do it..

I did it.

I did it.

It feels..
good.

It's not very painful and every small cut makes me feel more relief and I do more.

Soon I have several small cuts on my arm and I put down the blade and hide it where nobody can find it.

I quickly wash the cuts and grab a band aid to cover it so that it will heal quicker and so nobody will see.

The more I think about the cutting and everytime I see it in sent plummeting into a deep thought that I would prefer to not be in.

The more I get worse with it the more I start to wonder if I need help?
I've already asked two friends of mine how can i ask to get help, how can I be taken to see what's wrong with me but they can't help because they don't know anything.

I WANT HELP!

I just don't know how to ask...

As I was playing with my sibling one if my parents saw the band aid and asked what it was for...

I didn't know what to say...

I could have used it to get help.. I could have done something good but my stupid freaking self didn't.

I freaked out and said that I just like band aids. I can't believe they bought it...

I was so close to being caught..maybe I don't want to be caught. Maybe I don't want them to know.

Just bottle it up and throw it away.
That's what I tell myself.
But I can't help but wonder, what would happen if I told someone..??