A Hotter Touch, A Better F... Than Any Girl You'll Ever Meet

Chapter 24

I woke up Tuesday to find Brendon already awake and watching me intently, half-sitting against the headboard and still stark naked.

Yeah, the term 'energizer bunnies' had been used about us a couple of times over the past days, and waking up naked was more of the norm than anything. We'd actually nailed pillows onto the back of the headboard, but honestly it was more to stop the annoying comments than to allow the others to sleep in peace.

I sent him a small smile, which he didn't return. As a matter of fact he just looked serious, sad, kind of angry. What the hell had I done now?

"Where are you going?" he asked, pointing at my packed bag.

I sighed. Alright, so perhaps I should've mentioned the fact that I was going to Orlando. "Florida," I answered.

"And you don't even bother telling me you're going to go see Matt?" he half-asked, half-stated.

"Sorry," I growled, suddenly kind of angry myself, suddenly very defensive. "I didn't know I needed your permission to pay my friend a visit."

He rolled his eyes and didn't talk for a while. "Why are you even with me?" he suddenly asked.

Alright, at least that question was easy. "Because as much as you piss me off right now, I love you so much that it hurts," I answered, immediately regretting the first half of that sentence.

He looked hurt, just as I knew he would. "You aren't doing a very good job proving it," he muttered.

Test upon test upon test. What that really what our relationship was about?

I sat up myself, not comfortable when he was able to look down on me. It made me feel exposed, it gave him an advantage that I somehow couldn't allow him.

"Do you have any idea what it feels like to experience your mood swings?" he asked further.

It seemed to me that he was the one with a mood swing today.

"When I accidentally called you something I have to have called everybody else, including myself, hundreds of times, you exploded in my face and I could barely touch you for a week." There was a frustrated strain in his voice now, something desperate. "Everything, every damn thing, has to happen at YOUR pace. We have sex when YOU'RE in the mood for it, we talk when you mercifully decide to let me into your mind just a bit." He shook his head a bit. "That doesn't sound very much like love to me." He let out a breath at the ended rant.

I was stunned, I even think my jaw had dropped. I'd realised even before that I wasn't being fair to him at all times, especially not lately, but I'd never expected him to blow up on me like that. Perhaps I'd idolised his patience to out of proportions.

"Can you honestly tell me that you aren't just doing this for the band?" he asked, sounding like he was about to cry.

"It's never been about Panic!," I muttered. "It's just... I've had some shit going on lately, and..." I trailed off, not knowing at all how to explain it all to him.

"Like what?" he asked.

I didn't answer.

He threw up his arms. "That's what I thought. You know, I've had some shit going on in my life lately as well. Most of it has been brought on by you."

"I'm sorry," I snapped. "I've not been easy, but that doesn't change the way I feel about you."

"How DO you feel about me then?" he asked, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks now. "Because of all people I should know that you can say 'I love you' without meaning it and definitely that you can fuck somebody with no feelings involved."