Letters

Untitled Part 1

"Playground school bell rings again."

It has been five and a half years since our debut, Hyung. We are doing well. But then...so are you it seems.

We never imagined you would leave us like you did. One little mix tape and suddenly you were everywhere at once. Everyone wanted you. They wanted to produce you. To work with you. To make you more than what you were.

They did not make you who you are.

We had a comeback planned for Winter, but then you said you needed time and...time is all we have now it seems. You are still nowhere to be found. You won't even answer our calls. Hoseok hyung...he doesn't smile any more. I guess I can understand why.

You must not have heard about the accident. I refuse to think you would be so cruel as to simply not care. Bang PD-nim says you've gone to America. I doubt the news reaches there.

They say hyung may not ever dance again. We haven't told him he may never be able to walk...

"Rain clouds come to play again."

Are you happy where you are Yoongi-ah? Are you eating well and resting lots? Manager hyung says it snows a lot where you are. Are you dressing warmly? Hyung worries about his dongsaeng you know.

Hoseok-ah asked about you the other night. He still does not have a phone you see so...he doesn't know yet that you are refusing to answer our calls. It is really for the best that way...

What happened to his phone you ask? It was shattered when...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't burden you so with tears like this. It's just...

Namjoonah blames our recent misfortunes on his lacking leadership skills but...it is not he that is lacking. It is us. WE should have seen the signs that were before us and...we should have done everything in our power to make the downward spiral stop. We should have pulled you to the side that day and made you tell us what was wrong. We should have been there to help the two of you put the pieces back in place.

We worked too hard to get where we wanted to be, Yoongi-ah. We pushed through the thoughts of being homesick and told ourselves that the pain was worth it because one day soon we would be standing on a stage in front of thousands but...we forgot that at the end of everything...we are human...we feel. I wish you would see that it is okay to express those types of thoughts and feelings to others.

"Has no one told you she's not breathing?"

You always wanted to be a star, but you were never happy with the circumstances. I know that being so far away from home was daunting for you, and that people often made fun of you for the way you spoke but...it never really bothered me much. I guess it is because we sounded so alike, you and I. We were both so far away from anything we had ever known when we first came to Seoul. I remember being so scared when I first came because unlike the rest my place in our group was not confirmed. Your friendship is the only reason I stayed, Hyung. I tried to be a good dongsaeng and never let you down but, I see that I have failed. I'm so sorry...

I wish... I don't know what I wish any more. None of us do.

It hurts me to know that you never really trusted me. You never trusted any of us it seems. You never told us what you were thinking, or how you felt, or when you were hurting...or even that your health was slowly failing you. As your brothers, we would have banded together behind you. We would have absorbed some of the load to ensure your health returned. It's like you did not trust us to be there for you. You kept your secrets to yourself, and in the end, you are the only one to blame for the fact that you were so discontent...and for the fact that Hoseok hyung was hurt.