Dear Name in Winter Day

DNIWD 2: Six months of Suffering

 BLANCHE

Trigger Warning: This content contains mental illness such as depression, suicidal ideation, emotional abuse, you can avoid the scenes that you might find upsetting.

The spring will come to an end, it's already May but I'm still here, locked like a pitiful bird. Like a bird in a cage, my father wants to use me for his business, as if I was a tool he can use anytime he wants according to his selfish needs.

"Beb, how are you?" Maple worriedly asked me about my condition. It's been six months since they brought me here at the Psychiatric Facilities. Because of the series of my suicidal commits. And the last time I could remember there's one guy who saved me from drowning. Such a piece of shit.

My mouth says no words from Maple . Six months ago, they brought me here after they found my body in the sea where I attempted to drown myself.

"Hey, I'm worried. It was half of the year already, Blanche. But you're still unresponsive! Do you really want to live this kind of life?"

I can see na nahihirapan na rin si Maple i-motivate ako every time she visits me, but what can I do? I'm helpless, hindi ko rin alam gagawin ko sa sarili ko. Six months or more, I can't really imagine that Leif is not real. Because for me, he's living more than the real people around me.

"Look, Blanche. I believe you, he is not just a guy from your imagination. But look, it is not the reason why you are here! It is because you let those people beat you in the truth na gusto nila paniwalaan. If you really believe that he was true? Then get better! Who knows if he is still waiting for you every christmas break? Thinking of you tuwing naulan.'' After that, I see Maple lose her strength napaluhod na siya sa harap ko.

My body responded on her own, and hugged Maple. "I'm sorry, and thank you for telling me those kinds of words. I'm sorry for giving up so easily" it was the first comforting words that I heard from people I trust.

"It's okay, and you're always welcome. But please, help yourself din. Hindi kami ang lalaban para sayo. Ikaw ang dapat lumaban para sa sarili mo, Blanche"

"It is just.." my mind starts to think all about him, how gentle he is accepting all my flows without saying anything about it. "Maple... it is all real in my mind. I can't take the medicines they are giving me. If they are saying the truth that Leif is just living in my imagination? So be it! I'd rather be crazy than forget someone who accepts me wholeheartedly!" My tears start to fall out from my eyes. Ito ang kauna unahang nagsalita ako about him matapos ang araw na 'yun.

"Si L-leif lang ba talaga tingin mong tinanggap ka nang buong puso?" Maple take her step away from me, holding her chest at nakikita kong pumapatak na rin ang kanyang mga luha. "B-blanche kung si Leif lang yung taong tumanggap sayo, so who are we to you? Do you still consider us as your best friends? Or even just a friend?"

My tongue-tied, speechless indeed. I made Maple cry, I hurt her. I made them feel useless. I looked away from her, my heart understands what she feels but my mind declines to accept it. Because I'm only focusing on how painful it is.

"Maple!!" Napatingin kami sa pinto, it was Suvi with Leila. Agad namang lumapit si Suvi sakin while Maple walks out at sinundan ni Leila.

"Blanche, sorry for that. Alam mo naman ikaw pinakaclo-" bago pa nito matapos ang kanyang sasabihin, I cut her off. "Leave" walang emosyon kong pagkakasaad dito, nakatingin lang siya sakin at umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

"B-blanche, we're still your friends. Nag-aalala lang sayo si Maple" Suvi held my hands trying to comfort me. Ngunit kahit anong gawin nito ay wala akong maramdaman na kahit ano para sa kanila, "I know, so please? Can you leave me alone, Suvi?" gusto ko na lang mapag-isa para wala akong nasasaktan na mga kaibigan. Habang nagluluksa ako sa sarili kong problema.