ISSUES

2

This is my most favorite state of mind. When the voices don't go away, they are continuous. They hurt. I want them gone. The tub is filled with water finally, scolding hot water without a drop of coldness. It doesn't do much but it helps to quench my need to hurt. I get in slowly, letting the steaming liquid swallow me. I wince at the heat but keep going anyway. I'm not use to the hotness all over my body. I'm finally in the water fully, the lights are off, I'm sitting in pure darkness, and complete quiet. The walls around me seemed to move and twist in the darkness.

Maybe I'm better off dead.

The walls continue moving, morphing into shapes of black in the darkness.

No one's going to miss me when I'm gone.

Sitting up slowly I look the shelf by my side, the one that holds my razors. That's when panic washes over me, I spring up out of the water and start frantically searching my room.

They're gone. All of them. Four razors, and not one of them was on that shelf.

My naked body was shivering from being out in open air after being so hot. I search all my desks dumping out random containers opening small compartments, looking in the most absurd places, but I don't care. I'm desperate.

The pressure in my chest builds as it spreads to my head. I need the razors, and I need them now, but they are no where to be found. I'm close to defeat until I see a subtle glint in the corner of my eye. A small blue pocket knife.

Guess I'm doing this the old fashioned way.

I snatch the knife from the surface of the desk and go back to the bathroom. I feel as if I'm going to explode if I don't get the blade in my skin and the blood flowing as soon as possible.

Without hesitation I use the tip of the knife to make long thin cuts all over my leg. No specicifc patterns. Just looking up at the ceiling, repeatedly going back and forth, up and down, and side to side. Getting as many cuts on my thigh as I could possibly manage. I drop the knife in the water after a while and stop looking at the ceiling.

Without even looking down to see the cuts I drain the water from the tub and turn on the lights. I grab my towels and rap up in them. As I dry my body I look down to see what I have made. Many, many long cuts all over my thigh were puffy and red with blood and irritation. I can feel the pressure being released from my body, and a sense of calm goes over me to replace it. It won't last long this feeling, but it sure does feel nice.