Another Pink Book!

Chapter 11

Saturday 4:49 pm

Deputy Bristol observed us as we walked across the yard. We were a motley crew: nine women in pink, muddy, western-style boots, pink jeans, tees and gingham, all of us liberally spattered with cupcakes, chicken salad, and filth. Eighteen muddy dogs accompanied us, as well as Toby, Ben, several bloody mercenaries and a few of the catering crew in their battle-worn glory. I noticed the little Asian woman leaning heavily on the robust arm of the proud and smiling gentleman she had stabbed with the pickle fork. I was glad there was at least one happy ending in the sorry tale.

Deputy Bristol was surrounded by a bevy of men and women in expensive-looking suits with briefcases and taut demeanors. The Deputy looked a little unsure of himself. We all drug our exhausted carcasses toward him as he gaped at the procession.

"Uh...Mrs. Craig? I've been looking for...are you OK?"

"I guess—Deputy Bristol? Did you meet my husband, Ben?"

"I remember him from yesterday." Deputy Bristol looked stern. "What's all this? Do I want to know?"

"Well...the short version is that we found my dog."

Katie Lee had approached the group of well-dressed people. "Well! It's about TIME!"

"Doctor O'Brien Spivey Rose, I would like to introduce you to..."

"Not interested, Ms. Bingham! I will speak with you as soon as I change...why Brennan! Brennan Hollister! As I live and breathe! I haven't seen you in..."

I noted the man she was addressing and gasped for air.

Ben turned to me: "Lou! What is it? What's wrong?"

I pointed: "That—that man! That's the man!"

"Him?!"

Brennan Hollister had noticed me: "You! You're the one! You're the one who tried to kill me!"

"Nossir! YOU'RE the one who tried to KILL ME!"

"You tried to run me over with a car!"

"And you called me a @#%^& and a $#*+# and said that I was $%=@# and said you would &!*$# on my @$%# and that you would &%#$% all over my %^@#!"

All the women inhaled collectively. Several of the lawyers saw what was coming and turned their backs. Brennan Hollister opened his mouth but didn't have an opportunity to say anything.

"ARGH!" Ben launched himself toward the man. There was another free-for-all, but curiously, Ben only got to hit Brennan Hollister once. Many people ran to the scene, including Toby, Deputy Bristol, my daughters, and Sam.

Toby and Deputy Bristol peeled Ben away, but they didn't count on my daughters. Suzanne punched Brennan Hollister's stomach, Nora pulled his hair and Liz pounded him with her fist. The Southern fairly oozed from their speech:

"Ain't NOBODY calls my Mama that!"

"How DARE you!"

"YOU are not a GENTLEMAN!"

"My MAMA is a SAINT and NOBODY calls her a..."

"Let's see how YOU like somebody #$%@ing your sorry ^%&*#!"

"Let ME at him! I'll *=$%# him REAL GOOD!"

"Girls! Language!" I remonstrated.

Ben joined Toby and Deputy Bristol as they tried to pull the girls away. Feelings were running a bit high. Sam was confused: he was concerned about the girls and barked wildly. He didn't like to see them manhandled, but one of the men who was pulling at them was Ben, who had given him a turkey leg, and another was Toby, who, he remembered, had fed him a hamburger at a long-ago picnic. However, when Deputy Bristol grabbed Suzanne, she shrieked and he honed his attention toward her dilemma.

"Don't hurt me! I'm pregnant again!" Deputy Bristol abruptly released her and Sam ran to her defense.

"You're pregnant?!" I squealed.

"I just found out! I haven't even told Mack yet!"

"Oh Baby! Congratulations!" I hugged her.

"Help! Get this dog off of me!" All of Sam's new friends ran to his assistance. Deputy Bristol disappeared under a muddy wave of stinky wet dogs.

"Brennan Hollister! How DARE you accost my sister—an old woman—AND my pregnant niece!"

"Hey!" I was indignant.

"But I...but she..." Hollister was indignant.

"Congratulations, Sissy!"

"Oh, Baby-Girl! That's wonderful news!" Ben hugged Suzanne tenderly.

Katie Lee rolled her eyes: "After three kids it looks like you would have figured out what causes that, Suzanne. Lou, I've told you over and over: I have no objection to large families, but the rate of your girls' breeding patterns seems excessive!"

"WILL SOMEBODY GET THESE BLASTED DOGS OFF OF ME?!?!"

Toby and Ben went in a leisurely manner to assist the Deputy. Brennan Hollister yelled that he wanted me, Ben and our daughters all arrested. Katie Lee ordered all the lawyers to turn their heads. Toby spun Deputy Bristol away from the scene. Katie Lee swiftly, firmly and deftly applied her knee to—well, Brennan Hollister was most unhappy. He sank to the ground, whimpering. Sam and his friends joined him.

No one admitted to having witnessed the incident. None of the assemblage could agree that the girls had hit Brennan Hollister: one of the lawyers suggested they had merely been brushing lint from his clothes. Deputy Bristol threatened to arrest Ben, for the assault he had witnessed and me, for allowing a vicious dog to run amuck. Katie Lee haughtily ignored him and swept me and Sam away for restorative baths. The lawyers formed a solid wall of officialdom and confronted the deputy.

In the end, no one was arrested. The lawyers had learned the Brennan Hollister had been in negotiations with a rival distillery to gain Katie Lee's land before Jack Daniel's discovered its true worth. He had been the one who had hit the deer; a piece of his grille had come loose. It was a distinctive feature of the car. He had parked at the top of the hill to examine the damage and had retraced his steps back toward the deer, looking for the emblem. Hollister had jumped onto the deer carcass when I narrowly missed hitting him and that was how he had come to be covered in blood.

After Katie Lee's lawyers were finished with him, Brennan Hollister wrote a very large check for the damages to my car. It was the only financial exchange that would occur with Brennan Hollister; Katie Lee flatly refused to have any further dealings with the man and promised, rather darkly, to mention the matter to Yuri. Brennan Hollister was escorted from the property by a beleaguered Deputy Bristol.

Katie Lee relegated Renaldo to the duty of bathing Sam. Renaldo whined in a North Alabama accent, which made me grin smugly. Mildred's minions conditioned Sam's fur, gave him a full spa-style blow-out and even finished with a little topknot and a blue bow on his head.

I had a shower and found more clothes in Katie Lee's closet, nearly exhausting her store. When I emerged, hair done and make-up intact, Ben admired my appearance although I wasn't able to return the compliment. Nevertheless, I was anxious to go home with him and be alone. We crammed Sam in the back of my just-delivered Beetle, waved goodbye and headed home. When we arrived there, Sam flopped, exhausted into his soft bed and slept the sleep of the unjust.

I picked 13 ticks off of Ben before he showered. We had a rather surprising reunion, given our age and level of fatigue. Ben pointed out that he didn't consider either of us to be too old for certain activities. I concurred and noted that some of the clothes Katie Lee had supplied for me included a thong. After an interesting interlude, Ben reassured me that I was definitely not too old to wear a thong. He repeated his reassurances in a most enthusiastic way. Peace was restored and I recalled, very, very clearly why I had married the man.