I was going to my treatment appointment but I knew that it would be my last. The treatment made me feel so ill. The cancer was still there. I was still going to die eventually. I didn't want to die of but well I would rather be happy for my last year or so rather then be so tired and ill I couldn't do any thing if I continued with the treatment until I eventually died.
My mind was made. I had been thinking about this choice for nearly a year. Wondering if I wanted to do it or not, but now I was certain it was what I wanted.
I knew I would miss my parents, my sister Ellie and Kelsie ,my unborn baby sister, but It would mean at least that Kelsie wouldn't have to grieve for me. She wouldn't understand. Most of all I would miss Ellie. We were Identical twins, we did everything together, before the illness began.
"Amy are you ready to go sweetie ?" My mum called
"Yes mum. I'm now coming" I called back
"Ok. Well me and your dad will be in the car." She replied. I heard the door open and close. I grabbed my shoes and pulled them on. Today was going to be tough, my mum was going to take a lot of convincing , but I was sixteen and my body is my body.
I stepped into the car and we drove to the hospital in silence. It was always like that. So quitet. Even though we had been going there twice a month for the last three months, we all still dreaded going there. Espicially me. My mum would usually cry after each appointment and my dad, well he was just there to comfort us both although any one with a brain could see that he was crying inside, but he put on a brave face and was strong for me , Ellie and my mum. Ellie barely spoke aout my cancer and at my treatment appointments she just stayed quiet, Silent more like. We all knew that it would be hardest for her with us being Identicle twins and all .I no longer became upset at appointments well of course I was upset but like my dad and Ellie I grew to be able to not show how upset I was. It helped my mother and there was no way she could be stressed espicially now she was pregnant with Kelsie.
It could make her lose it. My mum was only 3 weeks pregnant with Kelsie. So we were unsure if she was a girl or a boy. But well mum just has some kind of gut feeling that Kelsie is a girl so we had decided to name her already.
I liked the name Kelsie actually I had named her.It was so that my parents and Ellie could feel like they had something left of me. Something left behind. When I died. I had thought of it because my best friend was called Kelly. Kelly Andrews. At first that was to be what I wanted to name her but well that would just be strange having my best friend and baby sister sharing the same name. Not that I was going to be well you know alive for much longer after Kelsie was born. So it wouldn't realy be weird for me.It would be more weird for Kelly and Kelsie.
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When we arrived at the hospital I had my treatment and then dropped my bomb. When my doctor. Doctor Alimane told me the date of when I would next need treatment I interupted him before he could finish
"I don't want any more treatment" I bursted out. Everyone looked shocked. "I want to live the remaining months of my life happily . Not ill or to tired to even get out of bed."
"What are you talking about Amy? Without treatment you will , You'll ... " My mum trailed off
"Die ? Yes mum I will but treatment wont stop me from dying. It will just make me live longer but With treatment my last months or years alive will be to tirering and I won't be able to do anything with my life."
"Amy dear. You are not thinking straight" My Mum Tried
"Mum!" Ellie interupted "Let Amy decide. It's her life. She's 16 and she can decide what she wats to do. Whether she wants treatment or not"
We all looked at Ellie in shock. She never spoke out.
She never spoke about my cancer at all really. But we all knew she was grieving as much as the rest of my family.
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We didn't stay for much longer.Thanks to Ellie mum had accepted the fact that I no longer wanted to undertake treatment. My doctor had told me that I only had less then a year to live. With that little time left I had decided to do something.
I was going to make a list of all the things that I wanted to do before I died. I was Amy and I was going to live death to the utter most Fullest.
