Rambles in Blue Jeeps

10/31/18

Hi, Little Jeeps ❤️

It's way too late at night/early in the morning when I'm writing this, but my brain won't turn off so I need to write to make myself tired lol.

I have a lot of problems sleeping, but that's unimportant.

I wanted to talk more about something I talked in the first chapter of this rambling thing—the fact that I have no friends. And why I don't really mind it.

Which also means I have to talk about my abandonment issues. Haha!

So let me start out by saying that it was never hard for me to make friends as a kid. I always had at least one friend in my class and everything was fine. But it wasn't until I was like nine when I met who was my best friend in the entire world.

I don't know why but after a few times of meeting each other, we just instantly clicked. Like we were soulmates.

We had so many good times together, but it wasn't until her parents started having problems that our friendship started becoming toxic.

I was a bratty kid, anyone can tell you that. To this day, I am very opinionated and not afraid to tell people how it is. That makes people upset sometimes, but it's very hard to change the way I am.

But back to my friendship...her parents were fighting all the time and well...she took her pain and anger out on me. Not physically, don't worry. But mentally.

And I was really young, so this was just not a good time for me. I just wanted my best friend back. Long story short, she never went back to how she used to be.

Everyone thought I was the mean one in the relationship because sometimes I didn't have a good mind to mouth filter and would just say what I thought. In reality, she didn't let anyone but me see that she was the one causing me harm. She was nice and cheery around everyone else, but then she could really fuck me up sometimes.

But the bad was mixed with some really great times too. I loved her and we continued to be friends. We were more like sisters than anything.

I also have two sisters and a brother. They are 12, 14, and 16 years older than me. So I never had siblings to play with and really had two more moms and then a brother that wanted nothing to do with me.

My sister that is 12 years older than me (we'll call her S) lived with us through most of my childhood, so I was really close to her. Even when she eventually moved out, I would go sleepover at her apartment. She would also come over to the house all the time and hang out with me and watch shows and movies and stuff.

I can't remember how old I was, probably in middle school or high school, but she started becoming involved with a lot of guys. She would sleep with married men a lot and she started pulling away from me. Never came to the house anymore and didn't hang out with me.

She then met the guy that is now her fiancé and I had completely lost her. As much as I tried to get her to hang out with me, ask her to come over and watch movies or go to the theatre with me, she usually found some excuse. And that was that.

I also had an on and off friendship with my best friend. And when I started struggling a lot in high school with my mental health, I had to cut her out. Because to her "I had no reason to be depressed because I had a great life." She didn't understand that there was something wrong with my brain, nothing wrong with my life.

At this time, when I basically a hermit and never left the house, my sister who is sixteen years older than me (we'll call her R) moved to Arizona from Tennessee and lived in the house with me, our mom, and my dad.