The Programme

Chapter One - Spill Your Guts

It was the day I would get on the plane and go to that city, where I would join all those people on the next programme. They call it the programme but no one really knows why. I'm 20 years old and lived with Anxiety for years, so long that I cannot remember the original triggers. The reason my friends are sending me is because last year something happened and I have never been the same.

After landing, I got off the plane and began walking through the terminal, out to the agreed pick up area, expecting to see Simon in a car waiting for me. As I walked through the terminal, I saw a large group of people standing in the middle of the foyer, a large sign with 'JASON' written on it. I began to feel hot and uncomfortable as the group waved me down.

"Hi Jason, I'm Simon," The man extended one hand to take my suitcase and the other to wrap me in a hug, "This is Louisa, but call her Lou, and these," He pointed to the large group of people behind him, "are the rest of the people on the programme with you."

I smiled at the group, but my body was tense, I felt shaky and weak.

"Um, Hi." I said in a meek voice.

The group began to bound happily out of the terminal towards a bus. I could feel the anxiety in my growing, making a mental note to call home and tell them just how much I hate them and my friends for doing this to me. Especially sending me here on my own. I know someone could have come as a support person, but no one wanted to.

I followed the group slowly, not really sure what to do. Readjusting my bag on my shoulder as a girl stopped in front of me. She appeared to be waiting for me to catch up. My thoughts were spinning, trying to understand why this girl was not keeping up with the happy group.

As I got closer I noticed a boy standing with her too. I recognised him, but did not know how.

"Hi Jason, I'm Zoe and this is Troye." The girl smiled sweetly and I realised they are both Youtube stars.

I had watched enough of their videos to know they have said they have depression and anxiety, but I would not have expected them to be here with a mere commoner like me.

"Hi." I said, with no energy.

"So what are you in for?" Zoe asked, making me sound like a criminal.

I didn't reply and just kept walking, keeping, if not extending the distance between the rest of the group and myself.

Zoe kept talking to me, dragging Troye along by her side. He was a grown man, but for whatever reason needed her assistance to get anywhere. He was watching his feet, much like me. Looking at him reminded me of myself. The way he carried himself, almost covering his body mirrored mine.

I should not be this intrigued by him, but I am. I want to get to the bottom of this mystery, maybe I can help him get better. I'm known for that back home. Making other people my project so I'm not made to deal with my own problems. It helps me cope.

I reach the bus and climb on looking for somewhere to sit. I was hoping for somewhere by myself but it doesn't look like it will happen.

Anxiety is weird, all consuming and terrifying. I feel the tears starting to prick the corner of my eyes. As I sit down, Troye sits next to me with Zoe across the aisle from him. I pull out my phone, turning the data on and opening facebook.

I type a quick status update:

I've arrived safe here. I'm not looking forward to this and to be honest I hate all of you who put me up to it. Been so tempted to turn around and buy a ticket home, but I'm on the bus and I guess there really is no backing out now.