Thoughts from the past, in the present & of the future

How I'm feeling at the moment.

There will be a lot of these "how I'm feeling at the moment" thoughts. Here's number one of this book.

It's November 2nd, 2018. I'm currently sitting on a bench in a building where I go to college. I'm supposed to be in class but I recently just dropped my class. No one knows I've dropped it so I'm somewhat obligated to come so they think I'm in class. I've been doing this for the past 2 months. I'm retaking the 2 classes I've failed to comply with next semester. So I don't feel to bad about it. I'm just trying not to be so hard on myself. I couldn't keep up with the classes cause of I work so much. Literally. I'm working about 50-60 hrs a week. That's not including the days I cover for the girls at work. I honestly rather be at work than anywhere else. That makes me pretty sad. At least at work I know my co workers love being around me. Not to sound full of myself but I know they do. I make them laugh and I'm pretty cool. I thank them for that. Just hate how it's not that safe to be there. I'll get into that later.

So every Halloween I make candy bags for my family. I know they LOVE that I do that. I also made candy bags for the guy that I'm currently with niece & nephews & they loved them too. The guy asked me why do you do that? I said, well it's the thought that counts. It's the happiness I see in their faces when I tell them "I've made them candy bags" they light up with joy. There's no better feeling then making people I love happy. I just wish it was that way with me. When I showed up to my moms for Halloween, I went with good intentions. At the moment my mom & oldest sister aren't so happy with me. They don't approve of my life choices. I'll get into that later too. I went to my moms to see my nieces, nephew & my siblings all dressed up. I really love Halloween. I didn't dress up this year & it's not like me. But I just didn't have time this year.

So I got to my moms in the most happiest mood. Ready to see my nieces & nephew & sisters dressed up. But no. I got there & it was a bit chaos. I felt like I had to step in & save the day. Which I felt I did. My oldest sister, Samantha, which is THE MOTHER of my nieces & nephew, was just sitting there on the sofa already in a bitchy mood. Patty(my oldest sister,not really my sister but she's been there since I've been born) is sewing,making final touches to the kid's costumes. My mom starts putting on Julie's(my oldest niece) green face paint. She's the wicked witch from wizard of Oz. She's putting it on the best she can. I can tell she's frustrated. My mom is always  frustrated when I come around. Not because of me. I always try to make her feel better. I know I do just by asking her "how's she feeling?" But not even that is enough for her. So I start helping. The only one dressed & ready to go is my nephew Jr. Patty & I start dressing Kimby & her costume needs some adjustments. I start helping patty cause Samm is just sitting there with Julio(my brother in law) getting frustrated just watching us. Kimby is being fussy cause she's tired & wants to nap. I calm her down by giving her a lollipop. We finish with her costume. I start painting Julie's face again cause my mom did it so carelessly. So the kids are finally done & ready to go.

I'm getting ready to leave my moms but i wanted to take pictures of the kids. My mom asks me why I'm leaving & where I'm going. I simply reply I have a party to go to. She starts asking me who's party knowing exactly where I'm going & who I'm going to be with. We both do. But for the benefit of her I have to lie cause she doesn't like the sound of the truth cause she can't seem to accept it. She starts making her comments towards me "yea, yea go be with your grandpa". She tells me that in reference to the guy that I'm with. So as I'm walking outside to take pictures of the kids, I make a remark saying "this is why I don't come over here as much, all they do is bitch at me". She heard me & went ballistic. She started yelling at me. I tell her it's the truth. I also tell her I only come over here to see the kids, not them. It made things worse. She goes inside & starts crying. I carry on my business of taking the pictures. I go inside & she's standing in front of the sink washing dishes. Her eyes are all red & watery. Then I get my basket of clothes & walk towards the door. Samm walks in,sees how my mom is & starts asking what's wrong. My mom looks at me & starts telling Samm "because of her". Samm starts asking me questions, telling me why I was leaving. I tell her the same thing I told my mom. She starts telling me "really vanessa. You're gonna leave? You rather be over there with him than be here with your family?". I said yes. So to prevent anything from escalating more I grab my bucket of clothes & start to walk towards the door. Samm gets in front of me. Continues telling me stuff. "It's not fair, you use mom to wash your clothes here, tell his mom to wash your clothes!". I said, "I will". She says, "you go trick or treating every year with us Vanessa". I tell her, "well not this year".  This really ticked her off. So she tells me, "well then for that, don't bother coming to our thanksgiving & Christmas!". I said "Ohk,that's fine." Now that did hurt me. Then samms starts getting bold & were face to face ready to start fist fighting with each other. My mom & brother get in between us. Samm was able to swing & open her hand cause she wasn't gonna reach me with her hand closed. Her fingers gently swipe across my face. They throw Samm outside. I start crying cause of how mad I was. My mom was doing nothing to shut her up. Instead she starts yelling at me. Telling me " I'm so fucking stupid, what the fuck is wrong with me, he's so old, why can't you leave him". Hearing these things from your mom is the most heart breaking thing ever. Knowing that she's my mom & should support me on anything & everything I do, but she doesn't. She's so judgmental. I'm nothing like them. I try leaving her apartment, she keeps telling me no, to wait for Samm to leave. I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I finally go outside, she follows. Samm hasn't left so I'm waiting. She tells me, "you're so disrespectful". I tell her, "how can you say that? The one that's disrespectful is Samm,Samm is gonna be the one kill you, not me. Samm is the one that uses you & stresses you out so much, if anything I'm the one that bends my back for you, I help you & always will help you & this is how y'all treat me for doing what I want!" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs & do you know what she says to all of that? She tells me "yea, get the fuck outta here!!". So I left, remind you I'm crying My eyes out.

On the car ride home I couldn't stop crying. How could they be so ugly with me. This isn't the first time we've argued like this. I can say it's my fault cause no matter how much ugly things they tell me, I still forgive them. Cause I get over it, I understand they're mad but now I'm starting to tell myself I need to stop giving into them. I can't keep hurting myself. If I were to say those mean things to them it would be the end of the world. I keep quiet to much. But I also don't like arguing cause I just don't do that. I've learned it's better to not say anything at all. So I keep telling myself I'm officially done with them. I WILL NOT give into them this time. They don't see how they're hurting me. They think I'm not happy. I am happy where I'm at in life, they don't understand. They think I need them. I don't. They need me. I always support them, always give & do my best for them. Why can't they do that for me?