I lay staring at the ceiling thinking about everything in my life that has always gone wrong, I feel myself slipping into darkness I start to panick because I know once I start to slip I feel everything I hold back, images of my past slowing start to show up in this darkness, memories I try to forget. Some of my mother the women who doesn't care about anyone but herself the women who told me that I was the biggest mistake of her life the same person who said her life would be better with me dead. Then I think of my father the man who left me without a second thought making me wonder to this day what if he waiting and took me with him would I want to live, would I have tried to kill myself. In this darkness I feel the tears roll down my face. People say they hate beening scared to take their own life and all I think while they said that is I wish i was to scared to take my own life. They have no idea the suffering the people that aren't afraid go through cause if one thing triggers you, your thoughs go to the one thing to go kill yourself no matter what you are doing or who you are around you think and think of all the different ways to run and go stop the thoughs for one final time. Laying here I feel all alone bring myself out of the darkness I take the razor on my night stand and cut not once not twice but almost 50 new scars on each arm and more than 90 scars up and down my legs. You ask why and I say its the only way for the darkness to go away to stop the things I don't want to see go away. You walk away not sure what to do and I smile because I understand I don't know how to help me either but in the end we all cry ourselves to sleep at night so no one is truly alone I'm so sorry that you see that part of me but I am so tried of living this life I know for a fact you will be happier without me in your life remember I love you so much keep your head up and never give up you got this my little angel
