James and I have been friends for a while now. Sometimes I forget how long it's been exactly. Two years? Three? Somewhere in the middle? Though, in all honesty it feels like we've been friends forever.
I know it may sound strange, but I crave his company. I'm always so much happier when I'm with him. It's the kind of happy that I can't find in anything else. And while James isn't one for showing all of his deepest emotions, I think he feels that same kind of happy that I do.
I like the feeling that spreads throughout my entire body whenever I catch him looking at me and smiling. Then I tell myself that I shouldn't enjoy it. That I should ignore it. Another part of me is tired of silence. The rest of me doesn't know what to fucking do.
I love him, I think. I'm always trying to convince myself otherwise. I always try to tell myself that it's nothing more than the love close friends feel for each other. I always fail at convincing myself.
"ALEKSANDR!" I'm pulled from my thoughts by the oh-so-familiar shout that erupts from my friend pretty much every time we're playing a game together. I blink and I look over to him, and I realize just how long I had been consumed by my thoughts.
I do not reply, but I do turn my attention back to the screen in front of us. Somehow, we'd found the time out of our schedule to play a video game together, no recording, just two friends sitting on a couch with two controllers. The game isn't one I particularly care for, but James insisted we play it. It honestly doesn't matter to me though, being in his company is more than enough to satisfy me.
"You've been sitting there doing nothing for like ten minutes! Fucking move!" James demands, and I focus fully on the television screen. However, I do not move my character.
It takes about three seconds for me to see that we are now on the pause screen, and I feel a gaze burning into me.
"Okay what's wrong with you? You're doing this a lot lately." I look to him and I find his dark brown eyes searching me. "I don't know what you're talking about, dude," I pause for a moment, "now unpause the game so we can keep playing."
He raises an eyebrow, eyes focused solely on me. He does not move. Finally, I do it for him, and I reach my hand over, pressing the start button on his controller, which resumes the game. As I do so I hear an exaggerated death cry escape the t.v. and I look to see that both of our characters have died.
"God damn it Aleks! Now we have to do everything over again!" James exclaims, throwing down his controller in frustration. I'm simply glad he is now focused on the game, and not me.
We end up spending two more hours playing the game, until finally he decides to end it. After he shuts off the console and the t.v. I hear him give a small, "Goodnight" followed by his footsteps leading up the stairs.
I sit on the couch and I stare at nothing in particular. I do this for probably an hour, maybe a little while longer, and finally, I get up and make my way up the stairs and to my room.
I do not enter my room, instead I stare at my door. There's a piece of paper taped to it. You should try talking to me every once in a while, you asshole. I read it again, and then just to be sure, three more times.
My eyes move down the hallway to James's room, and then back to the note on my door. There's a small sigh that escapes me and I move towards his room, stopping at the door.
As I go to knock, I'm desperately hoping that he's asleep. Desperately wishing that he wouldn't reply so I could go to bed and continue pretending I don't love him like I do, because at least that way he wouldn't know.
"What?" I hear the word, muffle by the door between us, and I sigh again, turning the doorknob and walking into his room.
"Does this mean you're gonna tell me what's wrong with you?" I feel my stomach hurt when he says this. I give him a small nod and lean my back against his wall, watching as he sits up in his bed.
I look down, but still feel his brown eyes set on me. "I don't know dude, I guess I've just been thinking way too much lately." Maybe I won't have to go any further with this. Maybe he'll let it stay at that... Of course not.
"About what?" He asks and I can hear a trace of true concern in his query. Another sigh exits my body, and I avoid looking at James. "You." This is the only word I say, and I continue to keep my gaze elsewhere, choosing not to see his reaction.
"Aleks?" I hear him say my name. I like it when he says my name. Finally I look to him, and he's standing. "I like being around you. I like talking to you. I like when you talk to me. I like, well, no, I love you. And I don't mean like, oh I love you because we're best friends, I mean I love you like I want to be with you." It takes everything for me to say this, and I nearly crumble in the silence that follows.
That's it. I ruined our friendship. I look to the ground, and I realize how heavy my body has become. I slide down the wall and hide my face. Then I feel a hand on me, but I refuse to show my face.
"You're an asshole for never talking to me about this before, Aleksandr, but I love you too." What? What did he say? He didn't actually say that, right? I look up to him, and he's smiling at me. When he does not look away from me, or move away, I let myself smile too, and I reach a hand up, place it on his neck, and pull his head close to mine, allowing our lips to meet.
James and I have been together for a while now. Sometimes I forget how long it's been exactly. One year? Two? Somewhere in the middle? Though, in all honesty it feels like we've been together forever.
