The Downfall of Ronald Weasley

Chapter 5: The New

Herb (Professor Gerb is teaching Barry Hoof, Jock, Sophie, Ellie and Jimmy.)

'Welcome to Herb! We have a new pupil today,' Says Professor Gerb. 'His name is Jimmy, and he is Jock's personal slave which he borrowed from a druggo in Ravenswood. Now say g'day before I inject you all with lethal herb.'

'G'day, fresh bitch!' the class chants. 'Welcome to HERBHERBHERBology.'

Jimmy cartwheels over the table and squats in his chair.

'I'm sorry,' Jimmy squonks, 'my legs are still kinda frozen so I can't straighten them fully.' The class sighs.

'Not again, my dudes,' warbles Barry Hoof. 'Not another frozen-legged druggo lookin motherfecker as Jock's servant.'

'Why do you even need a servant, you able-bodied weirdo?' Inquires Sophie inquisitively.

'Because I'm the top bitch in this school and I have the tea and since y'all wanna start beef with me I'm about to sister snap.' Bitches McGroggen.

'Nice chit chat. Now I will inject you all,' says professor Gerb.

Professor Gerb injects everyone.

The class wakes up in a dreamscape where all pigeons wear leather jackets.

'I want to be cool like a pigeon,' says Ellie, pecking at the ground like a pigeon.

Everyone follows her supreme example, including Professor Gerb.

They peck until the biggest pigeon of them all, wearing a multi-coloured leather jacket made from the best leather that pigeons could source, which is actually hay because leather doesn't exist in their land, lands beside them and offers them access to Slipperville, the town of slippers.

All the students buy their own pair of pigeon slippers which they wear on their earlobes.

The slippers begin to lead them to their leader...

Sophie and Ellie whisper about who the leader of slipperville might be. Maybe a massive slipper? A medium-sized slipper? Possibly even an average sized slipper? But no! Nononknonogkgkkhog... no. The leader was infact the one, the only, Sturdy Ron!

'Omfg!!!!' Scream Ellie and Sophie, their slipper-lobes jingling a happy lullaby at the sight of their sturdy Prince Charming. Ron only stood quietly at the entrance to The Slipper Palace as if he were waiting for his monthly delivery of deformed candlesticks for his ever-growing collection of zebra paintings (he finds it comforting to know his zebras have light to get them through their dark times (the deformed candlesticks are free of charge) (as opposed to the good looking ones))).

Ron holds out his seven hands.

'Wow, where's they come from?' Says Sophie. 'He must have bought them earlier, they look pretty fresh.'

'My ladies,' he says, looking lovingly into Sophie and Ellie's eyes. 'I have been waiting for you.'

'OMG OMG!' Sophie and Ellie squeal. 'Our many thoughts of Ron must have manifested him into the Herb dreamscape!'

'I am here to be yours, my ladies,' says Ron, revealing 17 fingertips from his pockets. 'Welcome to Slipperville palace, my home country. I, myself, was once a slipper, dreaming of bigger things.'

Ellie's slipper lobes are jingly. Jingly is not bad.

Ron jingles his slipper lobes in response. His jingly is not bad either.

They randomly start dancing for no reason. They are doing the chicken squat.

'Yes!! Finally something I can join in on!!' Jimmy yips.

He launches into a full-on chicken squat frenzy. In his frenzy, his slipper lobes fall off.

Ron stares. The dancing stops. 'Traitor!' He gasps, pointing at Jimmy. 'Your slipper lobes aren't real!!! This mortal is not faithful to the slipper religion; he must be BANISHED! BANISHED I SAY BANISHED!!!' Ron yelled violently and squirmed disturbingly across the beautiful marble floors towards a hole in the ground he'd dug earlier especially for this particular occasion. Sturdy Ron halted his horses right before the hole and turned, facing the group of fake slipper lobe people and looked each of them in the eye for exactly 10.7 days before slipping smoothly down the hole, never to be slipped again.

Suddenly, the Herb juice wore off and the class came back to their rancid senses. They once again in Professor Herb's Herbroom of HerbHerbHerb.

'That was fun, a bit boring and predictable though,' said Barry Hoof.

Jimmy is shaking. 'I don't want to ever see a slipper again! I shall shun them!'

'I feel like I have a big-ass forehead,' says Tom Holland.

'Ok, class is over! I hope you each have learnt a valuable lesson,' herbs Professor Gerb.

An hour later

Sophie and Ellie are sitting in Fagrid's hut whilst he makes them cookie dough.

Sophie puts a cucumber on her head and pretends she is a LIZARD. Ellie claps and Fagrid vomits all over the cookie dough. The smell of the vom entices Sophie in her LIZARD form to investigate the intriguing aroma coming from the bowl.

She lunges into the bowl and drowns herself in vom and cookie dough.

'Fresh,' is her last word.

2 hours later, at the infirmary

Sophie is lying on one of the beds with vomit and cookie dough squished up her nostril holes.

Noodles is there, squirting noodles from his ass to make her some FRESH soup. But alas, Sophie had already SLIPPERED into a heavy coma and, despite Noodle's fresh attempt at redeeming her health with his ass noodles, Sophie was now engulfed in the sleepy paralysis of The New.

Noodle stopped and sighed disappointedly at his failed resurrection and looked at Ellie in confusion and fear. 'I never knew The New was so new! Like, I knew The New was new but I never knew The New was new new, how about you?'

Ellie was taken aback by the sudden newness of this new information. 'I never knew what The New was, or that it was new, like new new until you never knew that The New was new too.'

Noodle suddenly breaks down in a fit of tears and crawls beneath Sophie's bed whispering about the dangers of The New before a loud and untimely voice echoes through the room. 'Sophie, you are The New...'

Sophie wakes up. 'I knew I was the new New.'

Hope u are The New too
Xoxo The New Gossip gal