Guardian

A funeral & A letter

 When my mom knocks on my door and asks if I'm ready , I hesitate.

"Sweetheart we need to go," she says, I could feel her pressing her hand against the door. " You need to be at peace ."

But the problem is this: I will never be at peace.

At least not until I bring Andrew back.

"Please just be strong." She says, the door creaked as she rested against it."Come down when you feel ready."

I listen as she walks away and fall back on my bed and huffed out. It felt like everyone was looking and waiting for me to break down and fall apart. It wasn't that I wasn't royally pissed that my best friend was dead it was just that I needed to focus on the bigger picture. My best friend is a fucking angel and quite frankly he needed to be human.

"Do you always fall back onto beds when you're hiding something from someone?"

"Yes Sherlock Holmes congrats on solving the fucking mystery," I say with a smirk on my face,surprised to see him manifest. I had asked the weird emo girl in history for anyway to raise the dead and she was nice enough to give me a book on the dark arts. I was starting to regret my selfishness in wanting him back so desperately."What are we going to do?"

What do we do?

" I don't know ," Andrew replies as he ran his hand through his soft curls. He shrugged before giving me a look."Maybe we should just leave it alone."

"You know I can't do that." I tell him.

I can't let him go.

In front of me, there's a picture of Andrew and I laughing at something he did, I could remember the seagulls attacking him. I glance at Andrew he looked stressed.

"The Book of Shadows it's, " I started, pointing towards the dresser. "It's in there."

He looked at me and nods as I get off my bed.

"I think it's time for me to go."

"Yep it is I expect tears," he grins,"since you lost your best friend and the love of your life."

"Right," I say sarcastically,"Take out the love of my life part."

He didn't need to know

"and I have no reason to cry"

I did have a very good reason to cry

"It's not that big of a deal."

It was.

"Great," says Andrew,"Nice to know my bestie is heartless when I die."

"What?"

"I said that you were heartless."

I frown at him "I'm not heartless, last time I checked I'm trying to resurrect you."

"I don't have a reason to cry." He says in a scratchy falsetto. I looked in the mirror by the door and smoothed out the wrinkles of the dress. I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my hair . This was the day that I'd say good-bye to his corpse. I'd probably have to dig it up later for the ritual. I take a breath, trying to calm my chaotic mind. Everything kept following into my head.

"I'm ready," I say, half expecting something to happen. In my head it was like lightening struck, Andrew glances at me with a doubtful look.

"Really," He asks "Because you seem apprehensive."

"Oh big words, I'll be fine it's only a few hours." I say, even if it wasn't the true,even though I didn't believe it one bit. I knew that it would feel like forever. There was rarely a time when I didn't think this.

Still when I opened the door-that small twinge of hope and wonder spark - I walk out  of my room and join my mom.

********************************************

Outside , my mom was waiting in her car. It started to rain, the drops heavy, it settled into my hair and clothes soaking them.

"God works mysteriously." She says, starting the car and exiting the driveway. I lookout the window, watching the rain hit the glass.

My mom and I were an odd pair. I was light-skin with dark curly hair,like hers, and hazel eyes. Mom, on the other hand had liquid brown eyes and dark brown skin. She was kind and patient and endlessly working,whereas I was quiet and shy and a little withdrawn.

"You don't have to talk"

I shrug "I know."

"I get it," she says and I know she does. She had lost my dad right after I was born.

She looks over at me, as if to make sure I'm okay, then focuses back on the road. After a moment, she reaches over and places a hand on top of mine.

*******************************************

The inside of the church is warm and almost humid, the small space filled with to many people and too much crying. I could see everyone one of Andrew's ex's and rolled my eyes. His most recent ex Jenna came up to me.

"You were his pathetic friend I heard he died speeding away from your house. You selfish bitch putting everyone in pain." She growled at me before sashaying away to the other girls who decided to give me death glares.

I looked away form them and saw Andrew's parents, Mrs. Fairmont was screaming while Mr. Fairmont grimaced before dragging her out. My throat closed up I felt like I couldn't breath. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest. 

"I need to use the restroom" I say to my mom before rushing out of the church into a small woody area behind it. I sank to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest. Andrew manifested next to me  and adopted a similar position.

" I can't do this, I can't see everyone broken when I can see you. They blame me for your death It's my fault I shouldn't have said I was going to leave. You would still be here if I said I'd stay."I sputtered out through my tears.

"Ashy it isn't your fault you didn't know I would get mad and speed" I sighed and looked at the sky."Check the pocket of your cardigan."

I gave him a look and reached into my pocket feeling an envelope. I took it out and opened it to find a letter.

Dear Ashy, 

It feels weird writing this, You know I was never good with words or feelings. That's why I had you dump those girls for me. I didn't even like any of them, they were a distraction, something to make me feel better about not being able to have who I truly wanted. 

You. 

Remember when we were kids and you got your tongue pinched by a crab, or that one Christmas when you snorted flour. You didn't care then and you don't care now and it's amazing how you are you no matter how weird or loud, especially when you belt karaoke in the car. I always say it's annoying but it puts a smile on my face.

 I guess that's why I love you. Not in a friendly way. In a way I wanna marry you. I remember the day I realized it, and it scared the shit out of me. You were painting a sunset, you were so determined to get the shades just right, and I just watched you. Your hair up and random strands were falling in your face, you bit your lip in concentration like you always do without even noticing. 

I wanted so badly to tuck your hair behind your ear, pull you close and kiss those lips. That's when I realized I was in love with you. From the paint splatter on all you jeans to the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh.

 I love you.