The Majestic Adventures of CrossFit

Ch1--I do CrossFit

The first thing I did was pull out my penis. The entirety of my day spiraled onto a urinal cake. A pink, boisterous delicacy meant to freshen the room.

With my mood that way it was, I stared forward, no thoughts in my head other than the relief.

Then the wall spoke to me, "DNA confirmed, welcome back sir."

The walls in front of me collapsed, in a digital jigsaw that broke apart in illuminated colors of saffron and bronze and sapphire and charcoal. The urinal maintained an orifice for my urine, digitally breaking apart into a small chute that snaked into a precipice in the ground. The wall broke down to reveal many people.

Since I was facing directly towards the wall, my penis emptying and preventing me from moving, I locked eyes with a person in front of me: a man I'd never met before. Emerald stones burning into mine. Amber hair streaked with Citrine. He was chiseled and and ripped, his shirt was off which was kind of weird, but everyone around him and in my peripherals weren't clothed, and there were women so I thought maybe this was kind of normal.

"It's nice to finally meet you." He said with his hand out, expecting me to shake it.

But my hands were around my penis. The urine was running, the only noise in what I thought was a public restroom. Which is what it looked like. Porcelain urinal, grimy stains over subdued grey walls. Except the walls were collapsed and there were people in front of me. My eyes were unable to break the man's gaze. If there was no chute, I would have peed over his feet.

The floor I was standing on began to descend. More people emerged in what seemed pulse shielding. There were women with behemoth breasts, their nipples showing. Older men that claimed to be taking virility implants.

The man in front of me said, "We've unlocked the embedded sensors in your head so you can see us."

Then the group said in unison, "We're from CrossFit, and we believe you are the heir to our great leader."

I was still urinating. Debating now inside my head; thankfully I now had the ability to move from the man's eyes in front of me to analyze the room. Neon sapphire squares, in a grid of almost non-existent black, made the walls of the descending elevator. The platform that I stood on, that my penis drained into, was green and glowing.

My entire life I've felt a higher sense of purpose, and every subsequent let down pushed me further from the belief.

Discussing this internally, my penis draining and on display for everyone, I felt hurt and vulnerable.

I asked, "Why do you think I'm related to your great heir?"

A woman with gargantuan breasts walked up and confronted me. Her shorts barely held up her butt cheeks. Her nipples were showing through a figure hugging tank top. She had papers in hand, transcripts from the internet. "We've analyzed your SEO work. Your transcripts for porn videos are some of the best we've ever seen."

I already knew what she held. I was a bit of a troll in the SEO world. Not a bad one. Very white hat. But it pissed quite a few people off.

In the behemoth breasted woman's hands were transcripts for transsexual porn vidoes; they were indexed #1 in most porn video search engines. Even for the straight people search engines.

The woman said to me, "Come Jonathan. CrossFit awaits you." The man with emerald eyes and the woman with giant breasts took me by the hand, into a much more private bathroom space wavey setting.