ᴄʟᴀᴜᴅʏ's ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs

❸

🌹ڰۣڿڰۣڿஇღԑ̮̑ঙღڰۣڿڰۣڿஇ🌹
ooғ, тнιѕ waѕ a вιт мajor тo wrιтe. ι never eхpreѕѕed мy laмenт or вaѕιcally нow ι ғeel aвoυт мy вody ιn мy wrιтιng вeғore. ιт waѕ cнallengιng вυт aт тнe ѕaмe тιмe ιт ғlowed. ιтѕ jυѕт a тopιc ι ĸnow all тoo well. ι alѕo decιded тo call ιт, "нow тo вe ѕĸιnny"
🌹ڰۣڿڰۣڿஇღԑ̮̑ঙღڰۣڿڰۣڿஇ🌹

there i go again, eating up my emotions
my boy left me for being a bit open
he wanted the perfect body
he wanted me to be his shawty
but the rolls of shame were to blame and he decided that he'd rather have a bitch who couldn't gain
that night I went home and ate everything I could and about an hour later I was staring at the toilet bowl thinkin that I should
puke it out
out my mouth
now don't you pout a few more hours -
it'll all be over now
the next day I skip the cafeteria and tell people I ate during class don't be in a hysteria
don't you worry about me I swear I'm doing just fine
but my stomachs tryna tell me "girl why you gonna lie?"
I can't feed you, I'm sorry no just not today
what's the problem friend didn't you eat yesterday?
"that's not how it works I need three meals a day"
that seems a bit too much lose some fat, lose some weight then I swear I'll give you a plate
"please don't do this, it'll only cause you harm -"
I just lost my appetite there's no reason to be in alarm..
"please listen -"
I've had enough of your fucking whining you're not getting shit until I lose a pound or two what else am I supposed to do?
I'm not gonna listen you won't catch me in the kitchen and that's a given

*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

so day after day I shied away from food
piece by piece a part of me died  on the inside but my excuse - I was in a bad mood
I covered up the hurt with lies I just wanted to be a smaller size so I learned to ignore the sighs
I can feel every pound of weight that I carry on my frame
each bit of guilt that sits in my stomach
and with every bite I take I create this weight inside of me
it lingers there, please don't touch me there
I just don't feel beautiful enough for you today

*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

"how much longer are you gonna keep this up?"
I think my belly's going down I'll hold out a little longer
"I think you've had enough.."
don't you get it this is the only way I'll be loved. without a flat stomach I'll just never be enough
I can't stand looking in the mirror
I don't know how to lose weight any quicker
I run my ass off and I'm not any nearer..
"exercise won't do you good without any dinner "
that can't be right I'll fight through these nights I'll pretend the rumbling is coming from outside
"I tried.."
I'm still trying
I'm still crying
all I ever really wanted was to feel pretty
so this is my attempt on how to be skinny