I'm not sure how anyone can't tell, but I literally want to fucking kms for so many fucking reasons. It's unfuckingbearable and I'm not sure how I was able to last this long.. You guys want to know something? I'll say every fucking thing. Since second grade I've been fucking paranoid.. People older than me used to pick on me for no reason, make fun of me, do different stuff to me.. Have been since then. It all stopped in fifth grade. But that doesn't mean anything else happened in that time framed. In third grade I went to different three different funerals, within the time frame from October to May. In forth I got made fun of for "being over weight" by kids at school and family and for wearing glasses in fourth. That's why I don't eat much.. It was honestly just bullying in fifth, but that's when it was sever.. Sever to the point I told a principal.. I couldn't take it.. And since then I've been really paranoid.. Not really a lot of people picked on me in 6th.. Except for my 5th period science class who knew about my crush on a certain smart person.. But other than that I was just really fucking paranoid.. 7th grade.. There was this girl.. She picked on me every. Single. Day. Tripping me, pushing me, slamming me into walls.. We had the same second and fourth period together.. She was really starting to get to me, to the point I cried myself to sleep almost every night.. Fearing of her.. But one day.. She crossed the line.. I was doing my own business and she threw a ball at me, for no reason.. I snapped and we fought and we went to iss.. Since then she's tried being all "buddy-buddy" with me.. 8th grade.. I did highschool band.. But I was called an attention whore for doing it by the other 8th graders who did it with me.. I was called it so much that that was my breaking point and that's when I started to cut for the first time. It didn't hurt at all.. But I told myself "I wouldn't do it after this one time" and I lied to myself.. It kept happening over and over.. Time and time again.. Until I get to highschool.. My ninth grade year went great... Until February 20th.. When my friend went into a coma in a suicide attempt.. I still cry about it when a think about it because it's been almost year since then.. But my summer break.. I don't want to bring that up.. I lied to so many of you about it.. The only thing I liked about it was when I was out of the house for band and color guard reasons.. Most days me and Rayven were stuck here.. Just by ourselves.. At our mom's house.. Just use two in a very very VERY bad neighborhood.. With gun fire every few hours, with loud scary noises on the hour every hour.. It was scary.. We want the comfort of our mother, a lot of it because we couldn't.. Because she was always with her husband.. Those two are never home when we're there and want to be around our mother.. I had to do that job and a lot of time I had to be the "look out" for them when they haven't seen each other in a "long time." by "look out" I mean having to make sure Rayven nor Jeffrey went into their room while they were having sex. I hated that the most.. That's why I don't want to move back in with her.. Other than the fact she's a drug addict who neglects her 6 almost 7 year old child.. But my sophomore year? I literally want to kill myself. My boyfriend as up of 4½ months broke up with me because "I don't need someone who ignores me" "someone who will be there for me" "someone who listen to you.." same day I get taken out of color guard by my step dad.. A week later he's hugging all up on this girl that has literally been here three weeks and when I asked if they were talking or in a relationship he was like "I'm mentally unstable for a relationship" so I'm like "yeah okay" leave it at that.. Since then I've been a wreck.. Crying almost every night, been trying to get exercise and losing weight for him. Been trying to clear up my face so I would look like a decent person, wear makeup more often.. Just so he could notice me, because not a lot of people know.. He ghosted me for a long time before we became "friends" again.. But last night.. Technically two nights ago since it's practically morning.. My best friend and ex started dating.. It hurts.. It hurts a lot.. Because I still have feelings for him, I do.. Honest to God, he's a good person but when it comes to him and his emotions he can't control them.. And you know what? I couldn't control mine either.. Especially today.. My mind was made up.. When I got home today, I went to wattpad to say "I'm going to take a break" and do you know why? I tried committing suicide. Didn't work.. I'm obviously still here, typing this right now. I went to the medicine cabinet and took about 13-14 pain relief pills, hoping to have an overdose because I don't fucking care anymore.. I want to fucking die.. I can't take it anymore.. All that time and energy wasted on just one guy.. I was trying to better myself for him and it's wasted.. I knew it from the started because I was his third choice! He even admitted u was his third choice because my two best friends where his first two choices! I set myself up for that but I still fell in love him! I can't fucking deal with this! I want it all back! All that time and energy! Give it all back.. Please.. I can't deal with this.. Since I took all those pills I've been really dizzy that was around 4:30-ish pm it's 2:35am right now.. I'm still alive, I haven't fallen asleep.. But I can't stand it! I don't want to be here! I don't! I want to die! Please.. Someone just end me because I can't do it myself..
