For your first Christmas, you were getting double the presents.
Well, I hope it turns out that way.
You and I were meeting Ben’s family for the first time on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas day we were going to my Uncle Jim’s house. Mama had two brothers - Jim and Jake (Mama’s name is Jeanette). Jim was married and they have a daughter together, Maggie. Maggie was twenty-six, with a four-year-old daughter of her own. Jake has never been married, but he has a ten-year-old daughter (Layla) and an eight-year-old son (Kaiden) with his ex-girlfriend. He has full custody over them.
I love my uncles. They were like dads to me, since I never knew my daddy. They were there for me more than Mama never was. They haven’t seen you much in the last six months. Maggie had, however. As a mother, she was there to guide me when my mom wasn’t around to do so. And her daughter Emily was just the cutest thing in the world, after you of course. She sure liked to talk and she would say the funniest things. I hope you talk and say funny things like Emily when you’re older. But if you don’t, I’ll still love you the same.
Ben had a brother and sister. I met his brother once when I was halfway through my third trimester. That was when I was fat and wore maternity clothes so I doubt he remembers me. I think his name was Allen.
Ten days before Christmas, also my birthday, we went out and bought a tree. We went to an actual tree farm. Mama always hated cleaning up messes from Christmas trees, so I never went to a tree farm as a child. We always had those fake trees with fake snow in the corner of our living room. It was usually a different living room every year.
I always loved being outdoors. Mama didn’t. We had very few things in common. Maybe that was why we were constantly arguing. I want you to have the things I didn’t when I was growing up. Or I didn’t want you to have some of the things I did. I didn’t want you to have to be in a constant, unstable household. I didn’t want us to argue every time we try talking. I knew we would fight one day. You were going to grow up and we’d have different views on an endless list of things. But I didn’t want you to hate me for it.
You didn’t know what to think of the tree farm. Well, it was more than just trees. It was a plant farm. Pumpkins were still leftover from Halloween, people were out in the fields picking a plethora of fresh fruits. It was peaceful, even though it was cold outside. Before we left I had bundled you up in multiple layers and only your face was showing. Ben carries you in his arms, wrapped in a blanket. Your eyes were wide and alert. You’d never been around such an open space before.
I follow Ben around as he shows you every single tree and pumpkin and fruit on the farm. I think he likes carrying you around more than he wants to admit. He would be a great father to his own kids one day. If he wants more.
Although we’d only been together for about a month, I could definitely picture Ben and I being married one day. Maybe even having a few more kids of our own, when we were both a little older. I don’t think I love him quite yet, but he was a good daddy to you and that was all I need to know my feelings for him. But I keep hearing Mama’s voice echoing in the back of my mind. You won’t marry this man, Remi. I can damn well tell you that the second guy you claim to be with will not be the man you marry. Get your head out of the clouds!
Was my head in the clouds? Was I really just trying to tell myself that Ben and I could have a future together? That he was or would be a good father?
No. Ben was a good guy. He wasn’t like your daddy, or my daddy, or any other of the men that Mama had dated. He was true. Not like your daddy, when he told me he loved me, and said we’d be a family, and that he’d never leave us. He lied. And Ben was not a liar. He was true. And even when I was still pregnant, and I hardly knew anything about him and he about me, he was there for me when I cried over Stephen, and Mama, and being alone. I was always alone. Mama and Stephen didn’t give a rat’s ass about us. They were both selfish. They were both people I didn’t want you to grow up around unless they change their ways. They aren’t good for both you and me.
