When the Cameras Stop Rolling

Every Rose Has Its Thorne

Bryan...

After two wonderful nights in Spain, without the cameras and with Rachel all to himself, he felt it was about time to get real. They were leaving for the US, first thing in the morning, and the only baggage he wanted to bring back was their luggage. They were quietly laying in bed, holding one another. Rachel had her head on his shoulder and a hand on his bare chest. He was lazily playing with one of her loose curls.

"Bryan?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"You know how you can tell I really love you?"

"How baby?"

"When you play with my weave...I let you." They both burst out laughing. Bryan pulled her in close to kiss her forehead. This is the perfect time...both of our guards are down, and she's in a great mood, Bryan thought before he started speaking again.

"Rach...you know we both like to keep it 100 and if this thing is going to work, we have to promise each other that no matter what, we will always be honest about our feelings, and tell each other what's going on. I want to be there for you...I want to be your best friend. You know, what we have can be so amazing if we promise to stay open."

For a moment, there was nothing but silence. When it came to expressing feelings, Bryan definitely had less trouble than Rachel. She had experienced a lot of pain and heartache in the past; and a life time of learning to keep your guard up doesn't go away in three months. He understood that he needed to be patient, but he also needed her to try.

Finally, he heard her say, "I know...I want that too." He looked into her big brown eyes then kissed her full lips, before he continued.

"Good....so, whenever you're ready, I want you to tell me what's been on your mind. How you've really been feeling this past week. Keep it 1000 percent real. I can handle it." More silence. He could feel her tense up in his arms. He began to softly rub her back coaxing her to continue with his eyes. She relaxed a bit and sat up slowly.

"This week was hard." He looked at her face as she kept her eyes focused downwards. "Especially the night before the engagement," she continued. "I mean, we talked about how after five years with my ex; trying to convince him that I was worthy of a commitment, and being told otherwise...after opening up to Nick on national television, and him not seeing me as worthy of his proposal...I thought I overcame those feelings. I thought I moved past that. But hearing Pet--hearing HIM tell me I needed to wait for HIM?" She continued to look down frustrated. "Like, wow! Not that I wanted him, but still...I'm the fucking Bachelorette! And I'm still not worthy of commitment?! It just took me back."

"How many times do I have to hear something, as a woman--as a person--before I start to believe, maybe it's true? Maybe I'm not worthy. I actually went to his room to break up with him, only to feel small--to get taken back to the old Rachel, who had to deal with games. The Rachel who hadn't, yet, grown to understand that she was better that. The Rachel who had to convince and plead with a man that she was worth the commitment and worth the love!"

"Bryan, I broke down. All those years, all those relationships...it's like it hit me all at once and I broke! And millions of people will get to see me weak-when I know I'm not!" Tears started streaming down her face. He quickly reached his arms out to hold her, but she stopped him. "No! I--I need to say this. You are everything I never had, and for a long time, never thought I deserved. I actually started thinking that maybe I should play it safe and compromise with him. This is what I always get offered...a 'let's wait and see relationship'...so why do I think I could actually get my happily ever after, with you? It would only be a matter of time before you found out I didn't deserve a proposal either...I would just live a mediocre life, alone." She finally looked up, shaking her head, as if she couldn't believe everything she'd just confessed. She wiped her tears on the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

Bryan sat in disbelief. His heart physically hurt over watching her cry. He wondered how often Peter had made Rachel cry over the last few weeks. How many times she doubted herself, because of Peter's indecision--lack of trust and faith in Rachel. Bryan had always known Peter was on the show for fame and exposure, but didn't think Peter could be so cruel. 

Bryan held his hand out to Rachel. She sniffled as she took his hand, and didn't resist when he pulled her into him. He held her tighter than he'd ever held any woman. He wanted her to know he would never let her go.

"Baby," he whispered in her ear, "You are one of the strongest people I know. You are beautiful, intelligent, funny, and you have such a big heart. I see you, Rachel...and I love you. And you deserve everything good out of life." He closed his eyes as he continued to hold her feeling a crazy mix of emotions. Part of him felt so much love for Rachel. He felt blessed that she opened up that much, and allowed herself to be vulnerable. At the same time, he also felt pissed off that an insecure prick would waste such an amazing woman's time, and hurt her along the way just for 15 minutes of fame. 

Bryan was determined to be everything Rachel needed and deserved, till death do they part.