Shattered

Opening.

It took me forever to accept what happened to me. I spent so long feeling angry and ashamed. My experience cause fear and anxiety. The longer my assult remains a secret or the last I talked about it, the stronger I allowed him to be and a huge nuisance in my life. Emotionally I felt like I was assaulted yesterday. I eventually reach out for help and I struggled every day to practice maintaining to keep my head right. I want my attacker to know his actions of maybe 5 minutes lasted the rest of my life. He was supposed to be my friend I trusted him he destroyed me and affected me and all types of negative ways. My attacker allowed me to look in the mirror everyday and feel disgusted with myself inside and out. I'm afraid of life I'm afraid of people I can't maintain relationships I can't maintain friendships. I built a wall around me so high no one could hurt me but it doesn't work that way. I'm angry with myself everyday. Angry that I didn't think it was right cuz he was my boyfriend. Angry that I stayed after he raped me. Angry that I got pregnant. Angry that I did nothing at the time which meant another woman would most likely be subject to the same trauma. Angry that I allowed myself to believe it was all my fault and now five years later I'm finally seeing that it's not my fault that he's a disgusting vile human being and I should have dealt with that situation head-on. The #metoo movement allow people to come out and demonstrate the widespread of sexual assault and harassment. And some people found the positive motive behind this hashtag but for me in the beginning, it bought back my own experience with my assault vividly. I've tried to keep this horrible memory of that night to myself safely tucked away from even the ones that love me most causing me to lose friends and take over my relationships. This has caused me to be extremely bitter extremely miserable extremely sad and not willing to take any risk with my life. That ends today I will no longer allow my attacker to take hold over my life because this is the only one I have and I refuse to spend it being afraid of him. There's a lot of self blaming when it comes to sexual assault or harassment. We got to stop blaming ourselves and start blaming our attackers. We need to take ourselves out of these deep holes we create and stop allowing our attackers to rape us of our lives. We are bigger we are better we are bolder than them. I'm a survivor and I'm going to keep surviving.