My time is ticking by, not that I'm already at the retiring age but I do certainly emotionally feel like it. Funny. How I used to think leaning onto someone's shoulder, just shows how vulnerable I am. I don't think I've tried my best. However, would it change if I did? I doubt so.
I'm tired of chasing, running away, hiding my feelings and upholding this stupid facade. I don't know what I'm feeling. Do I feel happy? Maybe. Am I sad? Probably. Or is it, I feel lonely? I doubt so, I'm okay on my own. So what is missing? I can't wrap my fingers around it, and it's so frustrating!
Honestly, I feel like I'm healing, I'm no longer the old me that yearns her attention anymore. I don't feel the same excitement whenever I saw her anymore. But what is this feeling? I am so confused, I feel like I'm losing myself again.
I'm tired. I hate falling in love. Am I hard to love? Am I that ugly? Am I manipulative... or maybe I'm really absolutely too hideous?
"You really deserve someone else."
Stop that bullcrap, you know I know that you just said it because you don't want to give me a chance. You're too afraid. You're too "realistic". Why can't you see that my love for you is the same as a man loving a woman? I doubt straight people would understand. I've seen the way they looked at us, "eyes wilding with lust, they just wanted to have some fun, they're not straight in the head".
I'm tired. Of repeating over and over again just to prove that those weren't always true.
I'm tired. Of spilling my tears on my bed sheet just to prove I truly love you.
I'm tired. Of singing my lungs out just to prove that you're always on my mind even past my curfew.
I'm tired. I kept saying that. But I know I'd do it again, over and over, until finally I found someone new.
11 November 2018, 4:20AM.
