Mostly I am angry; I live with a heart of envy and malice, wounded from spite, project my negativity onto others, seek to control, exert power. When attack comes, should there be no defender, I channel the lioness. I roar, stand my ground, defend se...
My mother is task master, mission maker and decider of everyone's general direction in life. She organizes the chores, the academia and the fun like any good army drill sergeant. My father does nothing but work; work at his job, work at fixing up the house and work at getting enough sleep so that he doesn't doze off on the way to his company the next day. Once in a while he smiles or laughs - and when he does the world brightens for that precious moment - then he sinks back down into his whirl of fretting. My younger sister is the champion, the go-getter, the model child that mom so carefully crafted. I am the extra, the buddy, the second and last (even though I'm the oldest). Always, I got less support, and less consideration compared to the yard stick of my sister. Always second best, always found lacking in some vital ingredient for success. I take to following Dad around the house, learning what tools to use for what, how to fix a leak, how to construct a proper review and what to say when you fire someone in the business world.
Today was no different than any other day. As soon as the chore list gets posted my sister buries herself in the textbooks that have been lain unloved on the coffee table all morning. "I have to get my math homework done right now or I'll fail." Apparently. I fold my arms and look to Mom, surely she sees through this. Leah cares as much about maths as I do about ballet class. Twist, turn, fall, stretch, arc, ache. But instead Mom has this sappy grin and I can hear her thoughts fly right out of her otherwise empty head, "My precious baby is doing maths, nothing could be more important." So I scowl as she reassigns all of Leah's jobs to me. Well, I'm not having it this time. I don't care if Mom works from sunrise to sunset, if Leah doesn't get off her fat ass neither will I. In seconds my butt is on the floor, my arms are folded tight. Screaming gets me in trouble, fast, so let's see what a silent protest will do. Mom is always on about how great peaceful civil disobedience is, so let's put that to the test.
"Fay, what do you think you are doing?" Comes my moms stern voice. The sergeant in her just bursting to be let loose. "A civil protest. I learnt it in history class. I'm doing a 'sit-in'. There is no way it can can be fair that Leah gets to do her maths homework and I have to do all the chores alone." My mother looks at me as If I'm the one talking absolute bull shit and she is the only one with a reasonable thought in her disgusting brain.
"Well, for your information young lady, Leah works very hard every day and so do I. So quite frankly, you are not in the position to tell me what you will and what you will not do. Get higher scores in your school work and do the chores, then you can think about coming to me with your civil disobedience. Get to work young lady!"
Every word stings only fueling the fire that's burning inside of me. Every violated phrase is like gasoline to it, my fists begin to clench and my jaw root. Does she not see how hard I work? I work day and night trying to get good grades and be accepted for who I am.
White knuckles from clenching my fist too hard, and gritting my teeth in an effort to remain silent, my hunched form exuding an animosity that is like acid - burning, slicing, potent. My face is probably red with suppressed rage, then Leah decides to set a finger on my shoulder, I swing around and mentally snap. "Just do them now then you won't have to do them later." She says. That is the final mento added to the coke inside of me I explode with anger.
"You have serious nerve talking to me right now you bitch!" It always goes down like this. Mom defendes her precious daughter, tries to keep us from eating each other's heads off; mainly me from Leah, phones dad who is at work, he says something that suddenly has me apologizing to Leah, resulting in me doing the chores alone anyway.
Done at last, I walk upstairs and past my little sister's room. "I just want to let you know" I say, gaining her attention for a brief second as she realizes it's just her annoying big sister. "That I hate you with all my heart and everything in my soul. I just want you to never forget that ok?" I walk to my room at the end of the hall, close the door, run to my window and just stare up at the stars.
I must be strong. I have to be. I need to be strong for my friends, brighten their day with a smile as sincere as I can muster. For my family, to always love them and put their needs above my own even though I hate every breath my little sister takes. This is what I do every day. But on the inside I live in a never ending death. At night I suffer, pouring out her tears to the stars, begging them with my tear-soaked eyes to understand my misery. Will no one understand that my heart is no longer my own, will anyone love me so much that they could see past my facade?
Tomorrow is a new day, a better day, a Monday. And I can finally see the man who makes me smile in my dreams.
I sink into my bed close my eyes and the memory of the first day we met kicks in like clockwork
