Stream of Thoughts.

Focus

I can't focus. Every thought leads back to you, but that is what I am trying to avoid. I'm hurt and it's weird because I don't know if I have any right to be. I want to just write out all the emotion, but I don't want to keep writing about you. I have already immortalized you in my writing and in my head. I don't want you to be the main focus in my life when I am only a side project in yours. I don't necessarily think they are right about you still, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do need to let you go, but I'm not sure how. I don't think I really want to yet either which is what makes this so hard. I need to do what's best for me, but I find it hard to do the things I don't want to do. I read something that said you know you have a big heart when you feel bad doing what's best for you. If that's true then I must have the biggest heart that has ever been created, but I don't want it. I think I feel more than others. Maybe there is some astrologic placement I could blame it on, but you hate when I do that. I like explanations though. I hate not knowing why or how more than not knowing what or who. You never really gave me explanations that made sense. I thought people were either logical or emotional, but I swear I'm both. Maybe I'm one more than the other, but I can't seem to pull apart my thoughts or sort them out in a way that makes sense long enough to actually figure out what is going on in my own head. Yet, for some reason I'm using up my time and energy to try figuring out what is going on in yours at the same time. Which leads me to wonder what thoughts are mine and which thoughts I think are yours. I can't focus. I want this all to make sense, but my thoughts are moving faster than I can type and I feel like I'm missing words and phrases that would help. Actually, they aren't just moving faster than I can type. They are moving faster than I can make out. I'm not catching every thought that goes through my head. They aren't going a mile a minute, they're going a mile a millisecond. Maybe that's why I shake. My body is trying to move as fast as my mind so when I'm not moving consciously, it moves for me. I was told once that people that have shaky hands are smart. Or maybe she said creative. I can't remember for sure, I just know that I was too upset that I couldn't glue together two damn toothpicks because my hands never stop.