I clearly remember the conversation I had, had with Noah just a month prior while I stare down at the stick in my hand that is about to determine my future.
F L A S H B A C K
Noah and I were sitting in our room scrolling through Netflix continuously trying to find a show good enough to watch.
While he was scrolling I did what I do best whilst zoning out and think about the future, a future that hopefully Noah will be a part of.
"Noah," I say.
"Yeah, baby?" He asks while breaking his trance from the TV and looking at me.
"Do you ever think about..." I gulp I don't want him thinking that I want one now,"having kids?"
He chuckles,"Babe why're you asking?"
"I just wanna know." I shrug.
He slowly stops laughing and turns to me grabbing my hand,"I'm not ready yet, probably won't be for the next year, but when I am we'll both know... okay?"
"Okay." I say partially satisfied by his answer.
E N D O F F L A S H B A C K
My shaky hands place the test on the bathroom counter after I followed the instructions.
I don't want to ruin my future by having this baby, hell I'm still in college I have a career path planned out, and for as far as anyone's concerned a baby has nothing to do with that plan.
On top of ruining my own future, Noah is going to be ruined. Hell this baby's life, I mean if there is one is going to be ruined. Me and Noah are out partying and drinking like every week we're not the type of guidance a child needs in this world. We're fucking kids ourselves.
I close my eyes while walking out of the bathroom, praying to god that the test shows up negative.
The timer on my phone goes off showing the 3 minutes are over, I hesitantly walk into the bathroom holding onto the door frame staring at the test from a distance.
I take a final breath and reach over picking it up...
two lines
"Fuck." I mumble allowing the tears that were building up in my eyes to shoot out.
And to my luck just then the fumbling of keys is heard as someone tries opening the front door to the apartment.
The door opens and the sweet sincere voice of my boyfriend comes out,"Baby, where are you?"
I quickly grab a tissue and wipe my tears, I'm not going to hide this from him I'm telling him right now like the woman I am.
And if he doesn't want to raise the child with me then I'll raise it on my own.
"In here." I yell out trying my best to prevent my voice from cracking.
"Hey babe." He smiles while walking in.
"Hey."
He places a gentle kiss on my forehead and tosses his briefcase to the side and then jumps onto the bed running a hand through his hair,"Work was exhausting, I fucking hate this 9 to 5 office hour life."
A ping of guilt shoots through me, he already is in a bad mood, should I tell him that he's gonna be having a little kid run around calling him "dad" in 9 months too?
Yes the fuck you are Chris, I'm not going to hide this pregnancy away from him.
"Uhm, Noah we have to talk." I say while pushing myself off of the wall and sitting next to him on the bed.
"Can't it wait." He groans while grabbing me by the waist and sitting me on top of him so I'm now straddling him.
I gulp,"Not really."
He tilts his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows,"Shit, have you been crying?"
"N-no." I say while wiping away another tear that has fallen.
"Babe, what the hell happened?" He gets up and holds me close to his chest and at that moment I thought long and hard, this might be the last sign of affection he shows me. All the memories and moments we've built will all be nothing after I tell him.
"I'm preg-pregnant." I let out while sobbing.
"What?" he pulls my face away.
"I'm sorry I really am." I get up and walk over to the bathroom getting the test he follows behind me and pauses in the doorway.
"Are you serious?" He asks while staring at the test in my hand.
I don't say anything for if I open my mouth anymore all the screams I had been holding up will be let out and hand him the test.
His eyes widen and grabs the box off of the counter reading the instructions trying to find some proof showing that two lines means not pregnant, but there isn't any.
He looks up at me with eyes that I had never ever seen before in the past year that we had been dating. They looked at me as if I was a stranger,"You're getting an abortion, right?"
My facial expression dropped, an abortion? Never in a million years would I think of getting an abortion, that's like killing a human that has so much potential to live. (please do not attack me on my beliefs on abortion you do you and you think what you want to think everyone is entitled to their own opinions, thank you!)
"N-no!" I yell having a sudden shift in mood, why would he even suggest such an idea. I yank the test out of his hands,"Listen Centineo, if you don't want to raise this baby with me then don't. But don't even suggest the idea of killing it! Have a heart you sicko." I say jabbing my index finger into his chest.
He just stares down at me with a blank face, almost like he could care less as to what's going on. "Fine, raise it by yourself but please don't expect me to have anything to do with it, it's going to be fatherless. Because unlike you I have a plan for my future that has a few steps before having a kid."
I'm taken aback, I can't believe he's throwing shit around and acting like it's my fault that I'm pregnant, he had a role in it too. "Just get the fuck out." I say while putting my hand on my forehead. Part of me wished he would have just understood that this is what life threw at us and that now we have to raise a child. The other part of me knew that there's a chance he won't want to raise it with me and he'll leave, but never did I think he'd ask me to abort it.
He walks over to the closet letting out a huff of air and begins taking his clothes off of the hangers I grab him a suitcase and throw it onto the bed.
I walk back over into the closet and help him grab his clothes but before I can grab anything else a sudden urge to throw up comes and I run into the bathroom letting my literal insides out into the toilet.
I keep throwing up everything lunch, breakfast, the little snack I had an hour ago. I lift my head up and before I know it I'm back down again but this time there's a hand rubbing my back and holding my hair up.
