3:00 Thoughts

Prom Queen

Do you guys know the song Prom Queen by Molly Kate Kestner? Beautiful song honestly, if you haven't heard it I linked it so go on ahead and listen.

Anyways, I'm not saying I'm a literal prom queen or anything but I relate to the song so much it's crazy. And since this thing is all my thoughts that I never tell anyone else I guess I'll just write about it here.

I live in a very materialistic family. Possessions, looks, and reputations matter more than anything else to them. So, I've grown up living to impress people, my family, friends, random onlookers. It feels like my only purpose in life is to live up to the expectations of the people around me. I act how I'm expected to and I do what will make others happy to keep up this image of a perfect girl.

I'm not saying I'm a super model or anything, not by any means, in fact I'm really insecure about my looks. But, people say I'm pretty. I'm gorgeous or beautiful. Guys talk about how "hot" I am and how much they'd love to hook up with me. They say "Oh I bet your boyfriend is lucky to have such a gorgeous girl like you." My grandmother criticizes my appearance every chance she gets, telling me what looks good and what I need to fix. My aunt comments on how skinny she was at my age and how my body is shaping out to be just like hers, I just need to lose 15 more pounds. I've been told I would be the perfect package if my boobs were just a little bit bigger because my ass is a good size for my body type.

I've been groomed to be this perfect girl for everyone. Not allowed to leave the house looking "unpresentable," and getting slapped for acting out of character. If I have fun in public, it's embarrassing to my mother, and it is apparently ruining my image as well as the person my mother worked so hard on.

I've been taught to push back my feelings because "no one likes the girls that are overly emotional." I've been told that If I show too much emotion boys won't like me, I'll be too much to put up with. Crying makes you weak, don't do that. Being anything less than okay mentally is unacceptable, and talking about the things you're passionate about is boring to anyone other than myself.

I feel like that prom queen in the song. I don't feel like an individual around people.I play a character and put on a mask every day to please everyone in my life. I feel like no one wants me for me, because no one knows the real me. Guys don't want me for my personality they want me for my looks. I don't get compliments on how beautiful my mind is, instead I get told that I have the perfect figure.

I'm just going through the motions deciding how to act next and if that will impress the most amount of people. I'd do anything for someone to notice that I'm not being who I want to be, and to see how sad I really am. When she talks about the prom queen's future I get a vision of my life when I'm older looking like that. I don't want that for me, I don't want to be a trophy wife and to have to keep up with this image thing till I die, but at this rate who even knows if I'll be any different in the future.

I'm just tired of being the perfect girl all the time and I'm tired of no one seeing the real me.

I feel like I'm living but I'm not really and getting this all out of me feels amazingggg holy.

Also I didn't proof read this for no other reason than I'm lazy as hell so I apologize if it's confusing, my hands were typing a mile a minute and I had so many thoughts in my head,

Thanks for reading if you did, if you can relate vote on this chapter.

If you need someone to talk to I'm always here :)

                                  xx infinitetragedy