What I Wish I Would've Said

Are you ok?

Monday, November 12, 2018, at 2:05 PM

"Are you ok?" He asks me with genuine concern written on his face. I stand there for a second not saying a word. A million thoughts running through my head.

I remember the first time we met and how there was an immediate connection. The eight years we spent together getting to know each other as friends, all the while I was falling deeper in love with you every day. The first time he said I love you. The time when we decided to step over the friend line.

I remember the time when I received a text saying 'Something doesn't feel right.' I remember crying myself to sleep that night and the next 14 nights that followed. I remember how even still to this day the thought of him makes me cry until I feel completely empty. I remember how broken I am inside because he left.

And I look at him and a faint smile plays across my lips. "Yes, I'm fine," I say trying not to cry, "because as much as my insides are torn apart and I no longer have a soul to lose, I'm breathing. And even though it feels like it gets harder to breathe every day, I push through, because at least I know you're happy. At least I know my suffering wasn't in vain, and as long as that's true, I'll be okay."

He doesn't respond, he just stares at me with a blank look upon his face. So I continue, "See that's the difference between me and you. You didn't get attached, your happiness didn't rely on mine. But for me," I pause trying to collect myself, "for me, you were my everything and I would do anything to make you happy even if it kills me inside