His Angel

A note.

You're all going to hate me for not updating and I'm sorry for that. I know this isn't what you want to read but I need to let everything out somewhere. This is going to be me crying out to you guys since I have no one else to do this to. At age five was when I was first molested. It might have been easier if it only happened once but it went on for years. That's what I think broke me forever. I have PTSD, major depression and anxiety now. I'm an eighteen year old girl. I've never consensually been touched, never had my first kiss or my first boyfriend. I'm so terrified of men and boys. And look at me, I'm a girl who writes about love and sex but has never experienced it herself. That's why I find it so hard to write this book. I want that stupid, stupid feeling of love. And I'm realizing now that I never will. Nobody wants a broken girl. I've gained so much weight and smoke weed all the time because it temporarily fills the void in my aching heart. At night I get so lonely, wishing for someone to be next to me and sob when I know there's no one. You might think I'm some pathetic girl who has her whole life ahead of her but I'm telling you, you're so far from the truth. I don't want anything else. This is what I want, what I need. I want nothing more than to experience love. I want a family more than anything. A happy little family of my own. But I have never, ever, had any luck meeting someone who was genuinely interested in Me. Why can't I be happy? Why do these people in the world find their soulmate and I can't? What's wrong with me? Lately all I think about is if it would all be better if I was gone. I don't want to grow old with nothing to show for it. No love, no family, no happiness. My life is a fucking mess and I can't fix it. So why stay here, living everyday like this. See, now I sound like a pathetic little bitch complaining about my life but you'll never truly understand what's going on with me. I don't know what to do or think so I guess that's why I'm writing this. I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm sorry